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12 years today

Posted by Kaikaybro , 15 August 2013 · 96 views

12 years ago today I married my best friend. He was kind, strong, sensitive and stood up for me. We met when I was 15 and in a bad relationship with his friend. He and I were always close and he was the only person who really knew me. He knew my deepest most painful secretes and always knew what to say. We started dating just after I turned 18 and married three months later.
Sex has always been very painful for me. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 16. I told him before we were married that this was never going to go away, that if he couldn't deal with not having a big sex life than now was the time to walk away. He looked at me so sweetly and said, "The only thing I need is you. I don't care about sex. In want you." And I fell deeper in love. Sex at the beginning of our relationship was not too bad. I had surgery to remove much of the scaring and then I was given shots that put me into a chemically induced menopause. No estrogen, no periods, little to no pain.
Fast forward...
It got to the point where he didn't care that it hurt. I would tell him no and he would beg and plead until he got what he wanted. I rarely remember a time that I didn't cry and repeated express the pain I was in, but it never mattered.
After our third child, my OB, my husband and I decided that enough was enough and I had a complete hysterectomy as well as removal of both ovaries. It didn't fix it. About a year later I found out that I also have interstitial cystitis. Yet another conition that caused sex to be painful. Great
Last year, just after Thanksgiving, he and I went to his brothers house. We had a babysitter for the first time in months. I ended up getting intoxicated and when we got home I went straight to bed. He came downstairs and put my blanket in the dryer to warm it for me. I vividly remember everything. I was completely aware but unable to get my body to function. He began taking off my clothes. I repeatedly and clearly said "no" but I couldn't stop him. I know all the times before when he disregarded my pain is no different than that night, but it was different to me. It was the first time in didn't give in and say, "fine, just hurry". This time I said "NO" many times and he told me "shhhh". After he got my now warm blanket out of the dryer and tucked me in. I woke the next morning and he acted as if nothing had happen. After an hour or so of my being standoffish he yelled" what's wrong with you?" I lost it. I told him what he did was wrong and that he was my husband and supposed to protect me when I'm the most vounerable and instead he hurt me.
Now 9 months later he gets mad at me for not being able to let it go and stop bringing up the past.
We married 12 years ago today. This morning I told him I wanted him to find someone else. I try to let him off easy and he says that "it's a new openminded world, why can't I have you and someone for sex?" I said that is not an option. He gets either me with no sex of ANY kind or he can find someone else.
I don't know why I just can't tell him I want a divorce. I feel so much guilt, I feel stupid and so alone.

Please done feel ashamed or guilty, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are not alone, we are all here for you if you would like. I'm sorry he can't see how much hurt he is causing and the operations. Your voice deserve to be respected and you so much courage to say. Sitting with you (if its okay?), :butterfly:

September 2015

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