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My Uncensored Life Chapter Four

Posted by bellachai , 28 March 2010 · 85 views

The third place I remember living was again an apartment building, white and three stories, the bottom story was half in the ground. Our apartment was 2nd floor which really was ground floor in the first apartment and again I believe my mother and evil stepfather were the managers.

Alot of changes occurred to my physically from red brick building to white apartments. I literally changed into an ughly duckling. My permanent front teeth came in and they were large and very bucked. So much so I could not shut my mouth entirely. It was also discovered I had strange eyesight, one eye very farsighted and one eye nearsighted and the farsighted eye would get tired and just drift. Back then it was called the lazy eye syndrome. My mother picked out these blue cat eye glasses and I had to wear a patch over the near sighted eye to strenthen the weaker far sighted eye. To top that all off my mother would put my hair in a very tight ponytail on the top of my head which would make the headaches I got from the eye torture glasses and patch way worse. I have seen pictures of me during this time and OMG I wish I hadn't. The ponytail only drew more attention to my poor little deformed face. I still remember how I was made fun of and called names and how few friends I had. This is when I became withdrawn and very shy.

I had been in and out of hospitals from the ages of 5 to 9 at least 4 times a year with severe bladder and kidney infections that would also cause upper respritory infection sometimes developing into bronchitis or pnuemonia. It seems I was catherdized everytime. I can still remember the humiliation and pain of those visits. I cannot seem to put together these visits to where I lived each time.

The abuse in this apartment was severe in my mind but not compared to others here at pandys. I do remember nice people in the building. The was an elderly lady who lived at the end on the top floor and she had cats. She would invite me in to pet her cats and talked nice to me. There was a nice young artist guy paintings I think who was a couple of doors down from us. He would show my sister and I his paintings. He was nice. There were two young women who shared an apartment on the ground floor in the middle across from the laundry room. They laughed alot and were nice.

There was some kind of naughty boy in the neighborhood around my age. A bully really. I remember watching him and bunch of other kids including my sister unscrew tire caps of the cars in the parking lot. He sent this girl who lived on the corner home crying one day. I actually told him he was mean. He told me she deserved it cuz she was begging people for money and besides he did not hit that hard. He said he would show me how hard so he hit me. He got me in the diaphram and knocked out my breath. Then he ran home when I could not breath.

The best part of this place we lived was there was a strip mall just down the block and my real dad's brother, Uncle Jack worked there as a barber. Sometimes we went there and went in to visit him. He was a very nice man and he was good to my sister and I.

I remember playing behind our building at another building and my sister came on her bike to get me to come home. She had a bike but I did not and I don't remember why. Anyway we had this fight about who was going to pump who on the bike. It was her bike so she wanted and I said I did not have a bike so I should be able to. Wow that was stupid logic. She got mad and told me I could walk and she took off on her bike but did not watch where she was going due to being so mad at me. She hit the sidewalk curb, went flying into the cement and split her lip wide open. She ran home screaming and blood everywhere. I picked up the bike and walked it home slowly cuz I knew I would be in trouble. We all went to the hospital and I could hear my sister screaming and crying while they stitched up her lip. When we got home I got the worst belt spanking I can remember. I had welts down my legs and up my back. My evil stepfather used his skinny belt.

It is funny the things you remember that have nothing to do with nothing. In the bedroom of my mothers and evil stepfather there was this crocheted penis with balls hanging on the wall. I knew what they were even at that young age and it was in the colors of red and white. I also hated that thing and avoided looking at it. Why would anyone hang such a thing on their wall was my thought.

My sister and I shared a room here as well. I remember one morning we found my sister behind the door sound asleep. She must have been sleep walking. We had twin beds and good thing cuz I believe this is were I started wetting the bed.

My real dad got me a timex watch for my birthday. Both my mother and evil stepfather thought that it was a bit much to give me at my young age and I was not responsible enough for it. My sister I think was jealous I got it so she threw it in the toilet and my evil stepfather flushed it away on purpose. Byebye watch that I had less than a week.

I remember one time having to take a bath given by evil stepfather he took my clothes off and lifted me and placed me in the water and it was scalding hot then he left the bathroom. It was so hot I got out but passed out on the bathroom floor. I have no idea of what happened after that. It is a blank spot in my brain.

One morning after my mother went to work and the evil stepfather got home from his night job he sent my sister to go clean the laundry room take out the trash wipe down the washers and dryers. He sent me to vaccuum the entire three story building front and back stairs and the long hallways all floors. My sister and I were 6 and 7 or around there. My sister as usual cried but went. The evil stepfather went to bed for the day as he worked all night. Me I took the flying saucer type vaccuum to the front stairs our level. That vaccuum was heavy. I stared down the long hallway for a long time then I went and got my little red coat even though it was not cold out and left. I had no idea where I would go but I did not want to be there and I was not going to do more than my sister had to either. I walked until it got dark then I was very hungry, thirsty, tired and scared. I walked to a house that had lights on and knocked to see if I could call my mother cuz she would have been home from work. I waited in this house to be picked up. I was hoping my mother would pick me up but it was the evil stepfather but fortunately he brought his friend Homer with him. Homer was nice to me so no yelling at me on the way home and no questions either but I could tell the evil stepfather was very very angry. When I got home the police were there and so was my real dad. I told my story then everyone left. My mother had been crying and she let me sleep with her. She was angry with the evil stepfather and he just went to work. I know my dad had angry words with my mother regarding the incident. I was gone 10 hours.

The evil stepfather's parents visited from Washington to this building. They were nice. The new grandfather let me sit on his knee then showed my sister and me that he had a wooden leg. That was fascinating. We visited them in Washington too but that is another chapter,

This is long enough or too long so stopping for now.

Blessings to all who actually read this ramble of memories.



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missophelia
Mar 28 2010 12:12 PM
bellachai

Your evil stepfather should have been strung up for using a belt on you, either one. And there is no reason he should have used it either. I'm very sorry you had to go through that pain and hurt he gave to you.

I have very few memories before the age of 10, but the childhood memories I have after that age are like yours. Sort of rambling, and bits and pieces, especially of others outside the family that were in my life. But I do remember a couple of people, other adults, who were so much nicer to me than my own parents.

I can so relate to being laughed at and called names. And I had few friends too.

I'm so sorry you had to feel such pain when you were little. No child deserves it, and how I wish things could have been different for you.

I think it's so brave of you to be telling your story here. You are doing so great.

Just take your time telling it, and make sure you take gentle care.
thanks for sharing your story.... you're a very strong woman.
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silentwords
Mar 28 2010 06:51 PM
I'm sorry that your evil stepfather used a belt on you, no child deserves that. I believe it was my grandfather who said that if you spank your child once, it is to teach the child a lesson, but if you spank your child more than that you are no longer just doing it to teach them a lesson and are doing it for your own sick pleasure. Also, he didn't use anything but his hand. Also, I find it appalling when parents give their children more chores than they can handle.

I admire you for being able to tell your story, I still can't. One day, maybe. :) Take care.

bellachai

Your evil stepfather should have been strung up for using a belt on you, either one. And there is no reason he should have used it either. I'm very sorry you had to go through that pain and hurt he gave to you.

I have very few memories before the age of 10, but the childhood memories I have after that age are like yours. Sort of rambling, and bits and pieces, especially of others outside the family that were in my life. But I do remember a couple of people, other adults, who were so much nicer to me than my own parents.

I can so relate to being laughed at and called names. And I had few friends too.

I'm so sorry you had to feel such pain when you were little. No child deserves it, and how I wish things could have been different for you.

I think it's so brave of you to be telling your story here. You are doing so great.

Just take your time telling it, and make sure you take gentle care.


Thank you for your response missophelia. This chapter was difficult but I do not feel brave. I think I was braver at 7 or so and being gone for 10 hours. I am forcing myself to tell my story a my therapist tells me that by doing so I am helping myself in healing. It also causes little bits of memories to break free and it scares me in a way that a big piece of memory especially something sexual will hit me and it will be so awful it will overwhelm and overcome me. I know most of the sexual abuse is buried in my brain and I protected myself by not remembering it. I do remember some of it but not all of it. None of us here deserved what happened to us. It is so sad.

I am sending you hugs for caring about me. :hug: :hug: :hug: And many blessings my friend.

thanks for sharing your story.... you're a very strong woman.



Thank you for your response criesmaga. I do not feel strong. Telling my story is exhausting to me. Each chapter I write I then have to take a day or two to get over it to write the next chapter.

Blessings to you.

I'm sorry that your evil stepfather used a belt on you, no child deserves that. I believe it was my grandfather who said that if you spank your child once, it is to teach the child a lesson, but if you spank your child more than that you are no longer just doing it to teach them a lesson and are doing it for your own sick pleasure. Also, he didn't use anything but his hand. Also, I find it appalling when parents give their children more chores than they can handle.

I admire you for being able to tell your story, I still can't. One day, maybe. :) Take care.


Thank you silentwords for your response and caring. Yeah I found out later according to my mother she had instructed the evil stepfather that I was to vaccuum just the front stairs. He extended the chore.

You tell your story in your own way. I saw your story in the amazing collage you made that is on your profile.
You have already begun telling your story and healing. It is you I admire as you have a spirit and strength that is within you. You will write the words or say the words when it is the right time for you.

Many blessings and I hope okay hugs. :hug:

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