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Healing

Posted by writer2010 , 08 October 2013 · 50 views

Had to literally say aloud that there was no shame in crying over this stuff. Felt alone and just frustrated last night. Wish I was able to just go up to my mom and say that her son sexually abused me . But I back away and get so frustrated since she even barely sticks up for or even listens when it comes to her ex-husband and his drinking. She never was there for me when my dad came charging at me at my moms front door a week after my grandpa died since he was taking his anger out for other relatives on me. Just so depressed when I find myself thinking of this and get frustrated since I have so much to do with college classes, taking five, and writing.

I feel like a double life -- one will put on that smile on the outside but inside, I wonder who will find out of the abuse and how will they react and will they stay or be so disgusted that they will leave. I mean one of my good college guy friends got all sad when I texted him that a story I sent him to read was based on my life (it was about my dad drunk dialing me and leaving cruel voicemails my first week of college).

What also kind of worries me is that when reading ways for survivors to heal or cope with what they have gone through was by writing. So, that made me even more upset because I have been writing for a few years and thought to myself that all these stories (particularly these two) I have been working on for years was just an outlet for me to escapade and in other words will not see daylight where others can invest in my words and the morals of the stories. I am also a work alcoholic and made me upset that I work because it helps somewhat distract me from thinking of this crap .

I just do not want to ever be in denial of this all! Someone in this family needs to break the cycle of not shoving things under the carpet and sticking up. I still feel a bit proud of myself for calling my dad and brother and even my mom out and what is even more messed up or perhaps funny at times when I can laugh about it is that they all got mad because someone told then NO.



July 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.