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Posted by brookie , 29 October 2013 · 174 views

Today's been a horrible day. I've been so super-overwhelmed with nightmares this week and have been horribly triggered and simply can't cope. The only lifeline I have is therapy, and when the T doesn't understand me it gets so much more difficult. And today my doctor went back to his old methods which didn't work on me before and only make me feel worse. I can't understand why he's gone back to that when this kind of stuff doesn't help me at all. He had switched over to new ways which were working much better with me, and now suddenly today he's gone back to the old, I can't understand why, maybe he's had too much on his mind and has forgotten. Sometimes I hate therapy. Like today. My doctor is not understanding me. I don’t know what approach he is taking. But its not working with me and making me feel like nobody understands me.
I am so super-overwhelmed today. And all I wanted was someone to talk to and cry with. Someone who would help me to talk and draw me out because its so hard for me to even say a word. I was so super-overwhelmed today that I couldn’t say a word in the session. And he was intent that I come up with a list of beneficial good things that I can do whenever I am overwhelmed, and I couldn’t think because I was so overwhelmed. And then I was frustrated with myself because I couldn’t think. And then after I left, I burst into tears. Feeling like nobody understands me. When I am overwhelmed I need someone to talk to , to draw me out and help me to talk, to cry. 
Oh today is the most horrible day ever. I wish I didn’t have to live. I wish my T would understand me. Sometimes its so hard because my doctor isn’t the empathetic kind. He’s all cbt oriented. And today of all days he went back to being argumentative, and I miserably said that I understand the point you are trying to make and I agree with it but I am so super-overwhelmed today that I don't know what to do or say. I like cbt too, but I need it to be a little gentle and put across gently when i'm in a traumatised state like today, and the argumentativeness never works with me when i'm in this state. When a tear rolled down my face in therapy, there wasn’t any bit of empathy from his part. He doesn’t soften up or say he’s sorry I’m in so much pain or anything to make me feel like I’m understood. So I feel like it’s wrong for me to cry in therapy. I'm so scared to even have feelings or let them be seen. I don’t have anyone I can be real with and cry with. It’s so hard having a male T. A female T would have had more of a heart and emotion and been softer and gentler I think. I don’t understand what happened. He had become so much nicer and was using new methods to counsel me, which was really helping me. And now he’s gone back to the old methods that would not work on me and just make me feel worse. Today I’m like, I’m super-overwhelmed, had horrible nightmares, have been horribly triggered, and I can’t cope with the overwhelmedness. And he didn’t help me at all with the overwhelmedness. I thought he’d help me and help me cope with it. A totally wasted session. A horrible day. I give up. I don't think anything can help me anymore. I don't feel like talking to my doctor anymore because it seems he's having a mental block and not understanding me, and only God can help him to understand me. It's no use. There's no point in anything. Maybe i'm finally at the end of the road. Oh well. What a day.
I don't know what to do to cope with all this overwhelmedness. I can't cope with it. I don't know how to. I'm new at therapy and its hard to trust and i don't know what to do with myself. I can't understand my T. Sometimes he can be so nice, and sometimes he can be so harsh. And now i'm even more overwhelmed after my session. Posted Image
What does one do when super-overwhelmed?? How do I survive the day? How do I cope with all the nightmares and flashbacks? I don't know what to do.

I'm right there with ya girl. The cop that raped me is stalking me and I can't sleep at all. The only thing I know of that keeps me sane is exercise. Hang in there.It has to get better right? :)

May 2015

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