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Posted by MissHannah , 26 February 2013 · 138 views

I'm anxious and need to do something so I decided to write something here. Something I'm still finding hard is to let myself go when I do decide to, not just here but wherever. It isn't about how much or what I say really, it's how I feel. Even in personal diaries I can't be totally honest and let my emotions come out properly, well certainly not write about them that honestly. I don't know if I have a fear of my feelings past a point or a fear of someone coming across them, maybe both.

A big factor in me being anxious right now is thinking about tomorrow, I have my second exposure therapy appointment. I'm going try and just be open here, I'm scared that because I'm not managing with the muscle relaxtion excercises, this is stupid, that she's going to be annoyed and I don't want to feel like I'm in trouble if that makes sense.

On thursday I have an appointment to go an talk to someone about the group therapy, I'm hoping my anxiety isn't too high this day.

I'm struggling to keep talking, I want to but I feel like I can't. Like I'm not allowed. I hate this feeling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious, right now. I'm glad you felt able to write to be able to get some of it out. I get the finding it difficult to let feelings out properly and be completely honest when writing, I found one thing that really helped me was doing stream-of-conciousness/flow-writing. It's basically where you sit down and write and don't think about what you're writing at all. Don't worry about grammar or spelling or content or anything. Don't read over what you've wrote while you're still writing. Just keep going, even if you end up writing "I don't know what to write" over and over. I find that when I just write like that I end up writing things that I usually wouldn't have let myself put down. It takes time and practice to write that freely, but I find it really helps me.

I wish you look with your appointment tomorrow. I understand feeling scared that someone's going to get annoyed with you if you're not getting something quite "right". I'm constantly scared of getting in trouble for something even if I logically know it's not something I would get in trouble for or that the person involved isn't going to get annoyed at me over something like that. I know it's scary, but if you can, try and explain your fears to her, she might be able to reassure you that she's not going to get annoyed at you and you're not going to get in trouble. Nobody's perfect and nobody can master everything the first time round so try and be gentle with yourself. I hope your anxiety eases for Thursday, too.

I just want you to know you're completely allowed to keep writing, whether you share it or not. I know how hard it is and what it feels like to just not be able to, to be scared that you're going to get in trouble for it and you're not allowed, but it's really OK to do it. Nobody can see it that you don't chose to let see it and you have every write to voice how you're feeling in some way.

Take care of yourself, Lily x
Lily that's such a lovely and helpful reply, thank you so much. I will reply to this properley in a bit I just wanted to thank you :metoyou:
You really are most welcome, MissHannah. I am glad it was helpful. Take your time in replying, when you are ready and able.

Take care, Lily x
The stream of conciousness writing is something I've seen suggested alot and I'm realising I've avoided it I think. I done it once without really realising and let something big out which brought up alot of emotions and that scared me. Though I know that's all they are and I need to go through them.

I'm going to give this a go, I'm glad you said it takes time and practice I'll remind myself of that when I'm dramatically claiming I can't get anything right :lol:

Alot of the things you have said, I really needed to hear. I think it helps when it's from someone that I don't feel 'has' to say it. I'm going to take your advice and try and discuss my fears with her, I've done something similiar before and it really helped. Why I needed someone else to point this out I don't know. As my gran would say sometimes you can't see for looking lol.

Thank you for some really helpful advice and what you said towards the end.
Hannah x
I avoided it for a long time, too; I have had the same experience where something very difficult to handle came out of it and I avoided it for a while, but I am definitely back doing it now and it very much helps. I understand being scared, just take your time with it.

I am so glad that you are willing to give it a go, despite being scared. I do not think there is necessarily a right nor wrong way when it comes to writing; it just is what it is so please do not worry about getting it wrong!

I totally get that whole hearing it from somebody who is not obligated to make you feel better kind of thing; it seems more genuine, even though I am sure it is genuine when it comes from my friends or secondaries, too! I am glad I could help in some way, really, I am. And I am so glad that you are going to try and speak to her, you are really, really brave for doing this!

Ha, yes, it does sometimes take somebody else pointing things out for us to see them; your gran sounds like a very wise woman!

Again, I really am glad that I could help. Take really good care of yourself, Lily x
Yeah that's something I need to try and remember, there isn't a wrong way.
I think all of these things, I just need to keep reminding myself of and over time they will stick.

Thank you again :)

Take care x

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