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...healing is never easy...

Posted by sakura7792 , 24 January 2011 · 70 views

If your life sucks and everyone in it doesn't understand...If you're constantly stuck in the dark and just feel like lashing out at everyone, if you feel like pushing everyone away, if you feel like you don't deserve anything, you aren't good enough...if you feel like you just want to leave this world...like theres no point going on...if you feel like your whole life is shit now and you don't know who you are anymore...or what you want...or who you want.
If you can't trust anyone...If you hurt others...or even yourself... if you feel like you'll never be happy again.......dont give up because you're half way there.

I can hardly even remember the years that I just destroyed myself over everything. It's like they have all been blurred together. of course I still remember bits and pieces, but not like I remember being a child. Before this shit happened.

I hated myself so much and I had no idea...I just kept drinking, sleeping around, partying, doing really stupid shit and losing friends, losing trust from my family...and pretty much ramming my life full speed, head first into the ground.

If there is anyone who can ruin your life. destroy it. bring it down. kick it. spit it out and rub it in your face...its yourself. I just let go of all the grip I had on myself and threw my head back and just let my life spin out of control.

I could have done things differently...I could have reached out and tried to make things better. Tried to make things good. Tried to stay on track and keep going with my dreams and hopes...But the mind set I had was...I suck..I'm never gonna be happy and what's the point in even trying if every single fucking time you do it, you fail and fall?

To be honest, when I was doing it all. I had no idea it was because of what happened to me. But my mum did.....She knew who I was deep down. Afterall, she's been my best friend since the moment I came into this world. She knew that because of that, I became that person.

I had doctors tell me to see counsellors, I was given help lines and all this other support. But it never helped. In fact, I didn't even call them. I just thought, heres another person who thinks Im doing all this because I was raped. Im not. Im just doing this because this is who I am.....I was lying to myself and I didn't even realize...its amazing how far the pain and lashing out really branches.

I just want those who are still at that point to know... It fucking sucked for me too. I hated it. every second of it. and yeah, I gave up quite a few times. Just thought fuck it, its never gonna change.
But now...Im sitting here, and my life is different. and i AM happy...its like a dream. I never thought this would happen to me.
Pandys has helped, its a place to vent and to source support, help, love, friendship and all the things that make you remember that you deserve more than this.
But it was mostly forcing myself to change my mind set. I had to BELIEVE i could do it. Instead of talking about doing it...writing about doing it...I had to actually do it. I had to let all that pain, sorrow, anger, hate, confusion and nothingness just drain out of me. And for weeks...scratch that months. i've cried for no reason, been super emotional and had a very short temper. On top of all this, i've even quit smoking.
I've pulled myself down to the ground for so long now, for years. And its like I've just decided that I'm over it. It's gonna take a long time, changing your mindset isn't something that happens over night. But it DOES happen...Sure, life will still suck from time to time, because you can never change what happened. But you can change your life in the future, you can make things different and I will never be the same girl again...But I'm aiming higher...Im gonna be better ;)
Part of me is still healing...And I think I still have a long road ahead of me. But it's much easier now... I really think they're right.
What doesn't kill you...really does make you stronger.



Hang in there!!!!!!


Much Love to All,


-Sakura :butterfly:



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longing8888
Jan 26 2011 12:01 AM
Sakura,thank you for your words,they so reflect what i feel and am going through right now....noone really understands,noone really cares do they??? finding anyone who can understand is next to impossibale.But since I am fairly new here,I am hoping and praying someone hears me and can give me some hope to hang on too....Its all about self worth,and selfworth is far from what we feel.For me I have been controled all my life,and from years of a husband sexually abusing me along with threats,controlling everything,there never seems to be much left for self worth.How do you build that up???? I've never been lower in my life,it even has gotten to my health...I have no health insurance,so cant even get help for any of it....I got of the meds which was hard and i often think I need to be on them to function again,but cant pay for them.I always feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....mostly under the rock!!!!Heres to another day in this great big world,i hope i get outta this funk long enough to be happy the last part of my life...

Sakura,thank you for your words,they so reflect what i feel and am going through right now....noone really understands,noone really cares do they??? finding anyone who can understand is next to impossibale.But since I am fairly new here,I am hoping and praying someone hears me and can give me some hope to hang on too....Its all about self worth,and selfworth is far from what we feel.For me I have been controled all my life,and from years of a husband sexually abusing me along with threats,controlling everything,there never seems to be much left for self worth.How do you build that up???? I've never been lower in my life,it even has gotten to my health...I have no health insurance,so cant even get help for any of it....I got of the meds which was hard and i often think I need to be on them to function again,but cant pay for them.I always feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....mostly under the rock!!!!Heres to another day in this great big world,i hope i get outta this funk long enough to be happy the last part of my life...


Hi there, first of all Welcome to Pandys :)I hope Pandys helps you as much as it has already helped me :) I think people do care. But it is too complex for others to understand, and of course some people do not care about it. But they have usually not experienced the profound loneliness we feel inside us.
I am sorry to hear what happened to you, no one deserves this. My self worth has been a huge problem for me, since it all happened really. I have always thought that I was worthless...much less than what I thought of myself before it happened.
I'm not going to lie, it's so hard. it really is. But i think, theres only one thing worse. and that's giving up.
I think you will find, like I have, that strength that we search for, to get through this. Is deep within you, you can harness that strength. For some people this comes later, others earlier.
My personal way of regaining my 'self worth' is 'falling in love with myself' all over again. You don't need money to see the beauty inside you.
As for the meds, I personally have never been on them so I don't have the experience to help you through that. But I do know many people who have been on them and the doctors are still recommending I take a very low-level anti-depressant, if you can't afford it at the moment... You will have to use other methods to bring up that light inside you.
Remember the things you love, the things you really enjoy. and do it. whether it's going for a walk, or reading...or singing...or dancing...anything!! Those passions you had, or still have..they are the key to igniting that life within you again.
It's a long road. but its worth it in the end.
I already feel so much better and I believe I am not finished healing.
I hope this helps, I am always here if you need someone to talk to :)

Much love,


-Sakura :butterfly:

p.s
Dont forget, when your stuck between a rock and a hard place. you can always go up :)
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longing8888
Feb 03 2011 11:18 AM
Hi Sakura,Thank YOU for writing and giving me such wonderful up lifting support.You are so right,with so much that you said.Matter of fact,this taking me so long to get back to you...I was gone for four days celebrating my big 50th...But it was so good for my soul!!!I have a boyfriend in my life now (though the husband is still not letting me go,go figure that one,how possesive and screwed up is that???).My boyfriend,my soul mate I would say,is wonderful!!!! He is one of the strongest persons I have everrrrrrr seen.His constant and I mean constant vigil over me to make sure I get out of this is amazing.I dont know how much he can really understand,but that doesnt seem to bother him.He is always positive when I am not,always thinking way a head,like this weekend.He took me up to a lake,which is one of those loves you talk about.We were the only ones there,and it was so peaceful,well until the storm blew through,lol.It was nice to not have to be in my awful element and uncertainties...

Do you have any anger issues?? I get so mad some times,that anyone can treat people like this and get away with it like its absolutely nothing.I have a hard time with JUSTICE in this world.I have a hard time letting go until justice is served...I would love to be able to let gooooooooooo...By June,that is my goal is to get outta here!!!! I have my daughter getting married and a ton of family coming in too,and some days I just wish i didnt have to deal with that too...I have a 15 year old son who is still in HS and with me,the main reason I havent been able to leave.I cant wk,I dont have the strength or motivation or health right now.

Enough of me and my life,how are YOU??? Do you work? What do you LIKE to do? Yes so true,when I'm stuck between that rock and that hard place,UP is a good way!!!! Thank YOU again for your kind words,your encouragement...We are both worth soooooooo much!!!!! HUGS,Pat

Hi Sakura,Thank YOU for writing and giving me such wonderful up lifting support.You are so right,with so much that you said.Matter of fact,this taking me so long to get back to you...I was gone for four days celebrating my big 50th...But it was so good for my soul!!!I have a boyfriend in my life now (though the husband is still not letting me go,go figure that one,how possesive and screwed up is that???).My boyfriend,my soul mate I would say,is wonderful!!!! He is one of the strongest persons I have everrrrrrr seen.His constant and I mean constant vigil over me to make sure I get out of this is amazing.I dont know how much he can really understand,but that doesnt seem to bother him.He is always positive when I am not,always thinking way a head,like this weekend.He took me up to a lake,which is one of those loves you talk about.We were the only ones there,and it was so peaceful,well until the storm blew through,lol.It was nice to not have to be in my awful element and uncertainties...

Do you have any anger issues?? I get so mad some times,that anyone can treat people like this and get away with it like its absolutely nothing.I have a hard time with JUSTICE in this world.I have a hard time letting go until justice is served...I would love to be able to let gooooooooooo...By June,that is my goal is to get outta here!!!! I have my daughter getting married and a ton of family coming in too,and some days I just wish i didnt have to deal with that too...I have a 15 year old son who is still in HS and with me,the main reason I havent been able to leave.I cant wk,I dont have the strength or motivation or health right now.

Enough of me and my life,how are YOU??? Do you work? What do you LIKE to do? Yes so true,when I'm stuck between that rock and that hard place,UP is a good way!!!! Thank YOU again for your kind words,your encouragement...We are both worth soooooooo much!!!!! HUGS,Pat


Hi Pat, sorry about the late reply. It's so good that you have such an amazing person in your life. I too am blessed with an amazing man, who helps me through the hardest moments of my life. I owe so much to him and his undying support and love.

About the anger issues, yes i have HUGE anger issues. i have written a blog about it. sometimes I say the worst things, i feel like a heat comes over me and i cant control it. i say the nastiest things...and just like you, i must serve justice. i can't stand seeing other people being bullied or someone else saying something rude to another. i'll say the worst things to them and my anger overtakes me. i have found a few useful ways to calm myself down, imagining that what you are getting angry at is like someone fishing with a hook and you are the fish.... if you get angry, thats like biting the bait. the best way to survive is to swim away. and also, every situation you face in your everyday life is going to happen regardless of how you react to it. if you are angry, sad or stressed...it's still going to happen. you can choose to be happy in that situation. change can sometimes be hard but whoever said life was easy. remember that the journey there is the best part, so enjoy everyday as it comes.
My healing has reached a beautiful part and I am so proud of how far I have come.
It feels wonderful to be free of all those feelings of shame, guilt and regret.
Soo a little bit about me, I love writing, reading, dancing, singing, music, languages and travelling. I love having fun and hang out with my boyfriend all the time. hes my best friend. i love animals and have an awesome kitten, Inka. she's the funniest cat ever.
I work with my boyfriend but I'm looking for something different and I'm planning to study Japanese at some point in the next couple of years.
What about you??? Oh and I also know what you mean about that feeling when you dont really wanna see anyone. Like your family etc...I get that same feeling, but I've come to that point where I have accepted it. I prefer the company of myself and a few selected others. (mostly just my boyfriend lol)... and all you have to worry about is what makes YOU happy. No one else has to live your life. Only you. So make sure you are comfortable and happy before anyone else.

Hope this all helps :)
Here whenever you need someone.

Much love,


-Sakura :butterfly:

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