This is a great relief to me. Being a burden to others has been a heavy load to carry not just to them but me as well. I have lived my life up to the point of my breakdown in 2008. I did whatever it took to pay my way and support my children. I earned my way as it was my belief that help from other's often had a price tag on it that I did not want to pay. I still believe that.
That being said I know that that is not the core source of my depression. It was just an addendum to my severe depression. I also know that since I probably have been depressed for decades since my experiences of CSA and SA. I am well aware that I will have to manage my depression for the rest of my life, something lost on those in my life to understanding this.
I am painfully and acutely aware right now of how true this is as I enter the 4th round to battle a returning UTI. In July my primary physician prescribed Bactrim for a UTI (first one I have had in over 15 years but I had them very frequently when a child from the CSA by my evil stepfather), The UTI returned and my hematologist Doctor had me come in to the hemo lab for 7 days to have antibiotics infused by IV. Then the UTI returned. My hematologist Doctor then prescribed 10 days of a med that is a cousin of tetracyclin. I am allergic to penicillin. This morning at 2am I found that the UTI has returned yet again. I will go in the morning to give a sample for them to do a culture so he can make the a decision on the next phase of treatment.
This is depressing and it is also triggering me due to my CSA years.
The CSA and SA are the core to my depression and I believe my failing health is somehow connected as a catalyst. The F***king Bastard has even robbed me of good health. I am damaged goods and broken. This makes me angry, frustrated and depressed. My whole life has been one fight after another.
Those in my life either have not heard me or are unable to understand me.
The only relief I get is by sleeping that is if I don't have any nightmares. My days are filled with physical pain and is usually what wakes me up everyday. I cannot do any of the things I once did. No dancing, no beach combing on vacations, no walks around our lake here in our town, Ha I am lucky if I can make it through Walmart without having to sit down somewhere even with my oxygen on.
Then how ironic it would be, with all my numerous physical health conditions I were to die of a common but persistent UTI.
Blessings to all