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Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
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Posted 11 June 2011 - 02:40 AM
I'm new here. Found this site off my FB account.
My story is one that I haven't shared with many. A year after I got married my husband and I were having real problems. His job at the time had him on the road far more than him being home with me. I was just finishing up college and wanted the 2 of us to start the journey of our life together. A lifelong friend of mine, a guy, came to visit me 3 weeks before graduation. For all intents and purposes I was done with school. All that was left was for me to walk across the stage and accept my diploma. I'd begged for my husband to come home. My dad had offered him work. He'd make enough money to get us our own place and I thought that should be that. Well he had made commitments that he only told me about after the fact. I'll confess to feeling hurt and neglected. Even so, it never entered my mind to have an affair. My friend came to see me for no other reason than to help me unpack the apartment I shared with my husband. We'd been working literally all day long and had the last few boxes packed. I was going to move in with my parents.
We were both exhausted, hot and sweaty. We cleaned up and he insisted that we go out and celebrate my approaching graduation. He took me out for a nice dinner. It was a warm, balmy evening so we decided to go for a walk. Frankly I needed to vent. My friend was always so good about letting me blow off steam and that's exactly what I needed. We stopped at a park bench and sat. I unloaded all my personal baggage on my friend, had a good cry on his shoulder. Just like always he managed to cheer me up and get me laughing. He's never failed me yet.
I went to the ladies room to clean my face up. I'd made a real mess of my make up. I gave my friend a big hug and we turned to head back to the apartment. The hour was late, I wanted to get home because my husband was due to call. Neither of us had a cell phone yet so I needed to be home when he called. There was a path through the trees that was a huge shortcut back to my apartment complex. I insisted we take it even though my friend didn't feel good about it. We couldn't have been 20 feet off the main path when we heard voices. The trail opened up and we found 5 guys gathered around a trash can smoking and drinking. Technically speaking there wasn't supposed to be any drinking in the park. I managed to grab my friends hand as we picked up our pace, neither of us letting our eyes meet any of the guys around the trash can. We were almost past them when they started talking to us. We ignored them and started walking even faster.
It wasn't fast enough. A couple of the guys cut us off and asked us what our hurry was. My friend and I tried to talk our way out of this but to no avail. Before we knew it the rest of them caught up to us. With a quick shove my friend and I were seperated. The situation got bad. They were asking my friend if he was willing to share his "old lady", me, with them. I don't remember which one of us said it but one of us told them that we weren't married. Obviously these guys spotted my wedding set and deduced that my friend and I were having an affair, making out in the park. They started pushing and shoving both of us. I'm a big girl but my friend isn't much on size. He's kind of short and thin and not what you would call physically impressive. Even so he tried hard to defend me. His effort was repaid with a quick shot to the face that knocked him down. One of the guys made him watch as they started pulling at my clothes. The guy guarding my friend pulled a knife and said if I screamed he'd kill my friend. My friend was told if he screamed or fought they'd kill him and take me away, never to be seen again.
For what we estimate was an hour I was raped vaginally, orally and anally. They made my friend watch. For the record yes, my friend is gay though that's no one's business. Anyway they kept making fun of him because he couldn't do anything about it. Then they started making fun of him because he couldn't get an erection. They forced me to try oral on my friend with no results. At the time I wore my hair long, almost to my lower back. One of them would mount me while someone else stood on my hair holding my head in place. I totally lost count of the number of times I was raped. At one time 3 of the attackers were assaulting me at the same time, one vaginally, one orally and one anally.
They left me curled on the ground curled up in a pool of sweat and cum. They started in on my friend. He was pretty much catatonic and in as much shock as I was. They took some make up out of my purse and started applying it to his face. They made him undress and put my bra on him. They tried to put my panties on him but they were torn and a total loss. One of them tried to pull my wedding rings off. I was so hot and bloated they wouldn't slide off. He jerked off on my hand. I guess that lubed my finger enough because they slipped off. I remember them saying something like I didn't deserve them.
As a last parting shot all of them urinated on me and my friend.
I managed to limp to a pay phone in the park, barely able to cover my privates with what was left of my blouse. The police arrived. They tried to get my friend to talk but he didn't say a word. I told the police all I could.
I lost my best friend over this. He wouldn't talk to me ever again. He was going to work in the web design industry. He was such a wonderful artist, it broke my heart. He wouldn't work anymore. 3 years to the day after the attack he took his own life by hanging himself in his shower.
My husband was my rock. He was understanding. I was afraid he'd blame me for the attack. He knew my friend and knew there was nothing improper between us. Even so, I just knew he'd leave me over this. We are both religious and devoutly pro-life. Making the decision to terminate the pregnancy was the hardest thing I've ever done. Over the last several years my husband and I have made a life to be proud of. We now have 3 beautiful children and #4 is on the way and due in September.
2 of the attackers were caught in the act of raping another woman not 10 feet from the spot they'd raped me. Based on all the charges against them they will be in jail for a minimum of 48 years before they even get a chance at parole.
It took so much love and attention to get me over this. I cried for a solid week when my friend took his own life. It was like I'd been raped all over again.
Finally I struggled through and overcame it.
Posted 11 June 2011 - 03:13 AM
I am speechless at what you went through. How dare these men violate your body and mind in that way. You have so much strength to have survived that night and all the days that followed, to have built the life you have now. They tried to degrade you but your revenge is that you have lived a life of love and dignity, despite what they did to you. :yay:/>
Welcome to Pandy's :hug:/>
Posted 16 June 2011 - 09:47 AM
I'm also new to this forum and wanted the chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Dagney, I'm 21 years old. The reason I'm coming to this forum and reaching out is that I'm tired of feeling alone and confused by what happened to me. I do have a small but close group of friends, some of whom I've told my experiences of abuse with but very few of them who actually have the patience to put up with my depressive moods and anxiety. They don't understand why I'm like this and can't comprehend how I can be so down and I think they believe I'm just using it to make excuses for my inability to cope with most regular aspects of life.
When I was 7 years old, I was molested by my next door neighbour for almost a year. He was in his late teens and he made friend's with me and my older brother. He would manipulate me and tell me what he was doing to me was normal for friends to do. One thing that always sticks in my head, is he tried to rape me right in front of my brother and my brother didn't understand fully what was happening so he did nothing. I've tried to bring it up with him but he says he doesn't remember which kills me. My next door neighbour then told his neighbour, a boy younger than him, that I enjoyed that stuff, so he would do the same stuff to me.
We moved house and I never saw my neighbour again. I felt okay for a while. But as I grew older I always felt this impending dread and anxiety, like I was just beginning to realise just exactly what had happened to me. When I was fifteen, I was so badly depressed all I could do was lie in bed and stare at the wall, crying for no reason. I felt nothing and I could not drag myself out of bed. And even though I've always suffered from anxiety and depression, I have always been uncertain whether I was really "sexually abused" according to the text book definition. My neighbour was in his late teens so I felt like, he just didn't understand what he was doing and can't be blamed; it was my fault for allowing him to do it.
Then, when I was sixteen, I was on a crowded bus ride and an older man put his hand between my legs and leered threateningly at me. I was so shocked, I didn't say anything and he left the bus. I don't know if anyone had seen him do it, but nobody spoke up or said a word to me while I stood there crying. It was horrible and it brought up everything that happened to me when I was 7.
I hate what it's done to my sexuality. I don't really enjoy sex that much and even with a boyfriend I love and trust, I still feel used and gross after sex. I'm constantly suspicious of sex and I find it hard to see it as romantic. It always just feels like I'm being used. Every time a guy wants to have sex with me, I make up an excuse as to why I can't do it but I feel so guilty that I just give them head instead.
So this is my story and some of the big effects it has had on me. I really hope to become a part of this community; just reading all of your words and experiences and wisdom and healing makes me feel safe and less alone.
Posted 02 July 2011 - 08:03 PM
Dagney - thank you for introducing yourself! I am so sad to hear of your experiences as a child and then in your teens. I hope that i can be of encouragement to you as you heal.
So let me introduce myself now. My name is Jen and I'm a 28 year old single mom of a young boy (he just turned 3). My husband and I divorced a year ago after he walked out a year prior. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he "was done". It came out of the blue and he literally moved out overnight. Our son was 9 months old. I've had a hard time healing from the hurts from that and have found myself cycling through emotions, feeling as if I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Earlier this week, while talking with a friend, I had mentioned something to her and she replied, "Yeah that's really not okay that he did that. I don't care if he was your husband or not, that's kind of like rape." It was then I realized how much abuse had dominated our relationship. I now know and recognize that for 6 years (4 of which we were married), my ex-husband sexually abused me. Some of it was coercion and some of it was rape. I am trying to process this and sort through all the emotions. I didn't even realize this was possible - that your own husband could do this to you. I've been searching for books to read to help with the processing of emotions and help with the healing process but keep coming up empty. How is it that there aren't really any books on this subject?? I am so glad that I have found this message board. I am really looking forward to not only being supported by some amazing people, but being a support and encouragement back to them.
This post has been edited by songbird83: 02 July 2011 - 08:18 PM
Posted 24 July 2011 - 12:37 AM
Posted 03 November 2011 - 11:03 PM
But examining my relationship with a counseler, she helped me recognise the abuse he had lain upon me. He was physically abusive, and invaded my sexual boundaries.
Im slowly starting to deal with it now. I guess realizing it is one thing.
Posted 15 January 2012 - 04:22 PM
Posted 05 February 2012 - 02:28 AM
So, hey. I am BlueBlaze....to you...for now...
Posted 05 February 2012 - 02:47 AM
and bless you. May your love grow and your lives be rich.
I have GOT to eat and sleep now. Tomorrow, I am coming to spend needed time in the Aquarium,damn it. Now that I can get in.
Posted 05 February 2012 - 03:01 AM
Dagney - thank you for introducing yourself! I am so sad to hear of your experiences as a child and then in your teens. I hope that i can be of encouragement to you as you heal.
So let me introduce myself now. My name is Jen and I'm a 28 year old single mom of a young boy (he just turned 3). My husband and I divorced a year ago after he walked out a year prior. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he "was done". It came out of the blue and he literally moved out overnight. Our son was 9 months old. I've had a hard time healing from the hurts from that and have found myself cycling through emotions, feeling as if I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Earlier this week, while talking with a friend, I had mentioned something to her and she replied, "Yeah that's really not okay that he did that. I don't care if he was your husband or not, that's kind of like rape."
NO MEANS NO
I am here for a handful af terrible things. But one, achingly, wrenching realization last weekend really almost drove me over the edge despite my hard-earned good god-damned disposition. That of my beloved continuing his "love-making" despite my sincere pleas for him to stop. The last time this happened I swore I would leave him , three years ago. I caved in AGAIN, with implementation of a safeword. But I am still healing and the abuse I suffered prior to meeting him has been completely dredged up from its grave.
SIster I offer my sincere prayers of strength, wisdom, fortitude, and all of the tools that you need to conquer all during this time in your life.
Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:44 AM
I don't really know what to say here. My situation is definitely complicated...last night my ex coerced me into sex. At least that's what it felt like. We had dated for three wonderful, incredibly perfect years until it ended in the fall of 2011. We still loved each other very much and continued a friendship online, as we are long distance anyway. In the meantime another relationship has flared up for me bringing many more complicated emotions.
My ex came to visit me last week, and I was genuinely excited to see him. I'm still in love with him in many ways, and he's one of my best friends. The first few days were incredibly difficult, pushing through all that had broken us up to try and get to a friendship. He advocated for sex now and then but was extremely sweet and gentle and left me alone when I just didn't feel ready. He's one of the most tender and gentle person I've had the privilege of knowing. I made it clear I was not ready to start a relationship up again this soon, but I was perfectly willing to experience whatever emotions might come my way regarding feelings towards him.
So last night was our last night together before he was supposed to leave. We had had a wonderful evening together, laughing and talking and being the best of friends as we have always been. He is my person and first love in so many ways, and our relationship has literally moved us to several different countries so that we could be together. He has been the most important and most positive influence in my life so far.
Now things start to get really complicated and difficult...so he started feeling sick a few days before last night, throwing up and displaying flu-like symptoms. He seemed to be feeling better last night, so we had a long bath and then settled into bed together. I know that this type of affection between two people who are not interested in a relationship and while one partner is exploring feelings for someone else may be strange to many people, but I am an extremely free-love kind of woman. Anyway, we settled into bed and he started to caress me and what not. I tensed up because that type of affection felt relationship-serious to me and scared me a bit. Kissing was ok for me, but anything more made me a little anxious.
He wanted to have sex so badly, and I felt so guilty for not wanted to. I'm the one who fucked our relationship up in the end, and I felt like I owed him love and affection because I ruined our relationship. I didn't want to have sex, but I wanted to want to. I wanted to make him feel good, to give him something even though it was not want I wanted at all. So we started to have sex, which included a little foreplay (which consisted of me lying stiff on the bed crying with my hands clenched). He was trying so hard for it to be good for us, but I couldn't stop crying. I was weeping like a child the whole time and I started to get this horrible feeling that he just doesn't care that I'm crying. He told me that if I just kept trying, it would get good for us. I wanted to believe it so badly, and I was so damn tired of having to say no to him when he wanted sex. I felt so guilty every time I shut him down because I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong, and now I couldn't even let him in physically. He was so hurt over losing me, over losing the relationship. He had break down moments of just sobbing his eyes out because he was so torn up about what had happened with our relationship, and cried that he just wasn't good enough.
He finally stopped having sex because I was just crying too much. I sat on the bed trying to recover and he started to tear up about how terrible he felt about making me cry. He goes into this whole speech about how he just desperately wanted this last moment, this last hurrah of expression and love. I felt so guilty for hurting him so much, for throwing away what we had that I said I would try again. I hated the idea, and hated myself for just not saying 'no', but I was having such a hard time getting over this burning self-loathing, guilt, and feeling like I owe him happiness. We started to have sex a second time and this time I didn't cry, but I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes, digging my nails into my skin. I have never once in my life ever fell to actions like cutting or self-mutilation, but since he has been here and had his emotional breakdowns, I've been gouging my skin. I only did it in the hardest and most intense moments of our discussion where both of us were crying, but it scared me to realize that it made things feel better. Better is not the right word...I don't know, I've never dealt with it so I have no idea how to describe or articulate anything about it.
As we were having sex the second time, he seemed to really be enjoying it while I did nothing but try shut myself off from everything I was experiencing. It felt violating, but refused to admit that that's what was going on. He finally stopped because he felt it was just too difficult for me. A point I need to make clear (not because I want to make the situation better or worse, I'm really just looking for advice and input here), he made it clear he desperately did not want me to do anything I wasn't ready for. He wanted me to enjoy it and have a wonderful time. He asked me multiple times while we were having sex if it felt good or was ok for me, and I just responded by nodding my head, eyes closed.
So here is where things get complicated (as if they weren't already). We stop having sex and we sitting in bed together when his face goes all weird. He starts mumbling and rambling incoherent thoughts while lifting his hands up as if to move or catch something in the air. He wasn't really aware of me there and was seriously not in touch with reality. A few minutes of this passes while I'm desperately trying to assess the situation when his eyes get really wide and he starts crying. He looks as me with tears running down his face and the with the most fear I have ever seen and asks,
"What...what just happened? When did we get in bed?"
I stared at him no really understanding what was happening when he starts to cry more and says,
"Did I...did I just do something bad? What just happened? Did I hurt you? What did I do? What did I do?".
I was close to panic because I was so scared of what might physically go wrong with him that I immediately told him everything was fine and to just try and tell me what was wrong. He said that he couldn't remember the last 6 hours. The last thing he remembered was before we took the bath (we laid in bed for a while before having sex).
I grabbed the thermometer and his temperature came up as 104.68 fahrenheit. I immediately gave him a fever reducer and went into crisis-handling mode. I stayed up the rest of the night making sure he was ok while all the while doing everything I could to avoid telling him what happened. He kept asking me and I just told him that we had sex but it wasn't great, so we stopped. I couldn't bring myself to just drown him with all the details while I thought me might need to go to the hospital. By the time morning came around, we had to go to the emergency room because he had gotten so sick. The doctors told him that memory loss was a common symptom of fevers that high. He relentlessly badgered me for details of what happened and I finally made it as clear as I could. He broke down and wept at the idea of hurting me in that way.
I'm reaching out to all of you right now because I just don't know how to deal with this. I am a survivor of a past sexual assault and that was so much easier to cope with than this. I do feel violated and sad and scared, but I also don't feel like I can blame him. He did want this wonderful moment for us and even having said that, he can't hardly remember any of it anyway. When we were having sex he was not a brute or monster, but was trying to kiss me and went down on my and stroked my skin. He desperately wanted me to feel good. It still made me cry, mind you, but maybe that's because I do have such a connection with him. I'm angry at myself for just not saying, "No." I didn't want to do it, why couldn't I just say it? We had amazing sex for 3 years and now this one moment made me feel so wrong in so many ways. What the hell is wrong with me? I just don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry, I have no idea how this story is coming off to any of you but I just felt pretty alone and wanted to reach out.
-confused and scared
Posted 21 May 2012 - 06:47 PM