Pandora's Aquarium: So What? - Pandora's Aquarium

When I not on the computer I think of sorts of things to write in my blog but once here it just drains all out of me and I do not even know where to begin.

I am feeling the affects of not being in therapy. Perhaps it is more cuz they cut me lose and I had no say in the matter. Doesn't matter as I can feel myself sinking into that hole of despair, worthlessness and hopelessness. I have not washed my hair for two weeks. I do anything that distracts me from how my life is now with all my physical problems. The cold weather causes my pain level to rise so some days I just can't seem to move.

There is so many things wrong with the way I am living.

I have been kind of naughty too. It seems to me that I always have to call my mother. She never calls me. So I did not call her for 7 days before giving in and calling her to see how she is. Everything is alway peachy keen with her except that she is so 'broke'. I would love to her kind of broke. But then people don't seem to understand that no money really means no money. Still waiting to hear from Disability. I think February will be time enough. I did recieve mail from them and my stomach did a flip flop while opening it but alas it was only a copy of the from I signed to release all my medical records to them and she sent it for me to keep in my records.

More naughtiness. My daughter and her boyfriend got some stomach bug so they took their TV out of my livingroom and put it in their room. This may sound paranoid but my empathic powers (LOL) tell me they were upset with me about I don't know what so they were punishing me for it. They are still waiting for me to ask them to bring it back out in the livingroom. I put some things where the TV once was and my daughter asked me why I did that. I like to look at those items. So they spend most of their time in their room while I and the cats spend our time in the livingroom without them. It is peaceful if not lonely. Most times the computer goes in their room to which is why I don't get to be here as much as I would like and need to.

They stopped cooking for me mostly. They no longer ask me how I am and if there is anything they can do to help me.

Reading this over I sound like a shrew and/or a big trivial complainer. I feel guilty for feeling so alone and so very depressed.

If I could I think I would divorce everyone in my real life and go somewhere else and just start over. Just a dream of mine.

I am so weary of my mere and meaningless existence. Living in this broken down body is difficult cuz it limits me and I hate it.

Sorry if you read all this and blessings to you for doing so.

I feel an aloneness I have never felt before and it hurts.