My boyfriend and I have been together a long time, with a few breakups in a row during a rough patch a little over a year ago. He is generally a very kind-hearted, passive, and supportive man. But that doesn't mean we haven't had close calls with rape. These are generally minor; I dissociate or ask him to stop and it takes him a very seconds too long to actually stop. While not rape, whenever they happen it makes me question my trust for him, adding a burden to my thoughts when I want to have sex with him. This last one has triggered me like crazy though, and it doesn't help that I've been talking to the psycho ex again recently.
This is where I start to feel silly, because there really isn't much to the story. After an enjoyable night of mild drinking, we went to bed. He asked if I wanted him to go down on me, and I said no. He asked again, and I said no. And then he did it. I know for a fact he would have stopped if I had continued to say no after he started, but unfortunately saying no during sex is a huggge trigger for me and I didn't want to face the awkwardness after. I tried to force myself to get into it, but couldn't. It progressed to sex, he finished, and we went to sleep.
The weird thing is I feel like this should feel like rape to me, but it doesn't. Maybe its because I could have stopped him, I just didn't. Maybe its because I feel like he's not capable of doing such a thing, though given that my past abusers were people close to me who I trusted I know that's flawed. Regardless, this is in the not-rape zone for me, but it put me back into the headspace of trying to get into the activity, of trying to spare them the awkwardness they caused, of deciding to "fight" or submit. It's also robbed me of all my trust in him, and I'm not sure how I can have sex with him ever again after he proved he can outright ignore me saying no. Perhaps the scariest thing though is the reminder of how "Easy" it is to rape or be raped. It can happen to anyone, by anyone, in the calmest or most dramatic manner possible.