[kjblue]

I realize this is kind of a cold topic as of late, but I think I might have something to gain for myself by answering them (and being honest).  Thank you for posting these.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was silenced constantly by my father and his hatred and anger towards me.  I was so scared, he didn't have to say a word and I just stayed quiet.  I still am silenced by him if I am being completely honest with myself.  And I have been silenced by the man who raped me as an adult, fear of him has kept me quiet (everywhere but here)

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No I have only told a select few and they have been as supportive as they know how to be.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I tried to kill myself at 13, but my father stayed right next to my hospitol bed so I was never able to tell anyone the real reason I had done it.  I was also diagnosed with an ulcer at 12, I don't remember anyone asking me why I was so nervous and worried.  Now I don't eat, but no one seems to notice that either really.  I really think there has been a difference in my attitude the past 4 months since my recent rape, but no one has seemed to notice that either.  I think in a way I want people to notice, I want someone to help.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I think that until you can heal and love yourself, relationships are going to be extremely difficult to sustain and enjoy.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Anger and resentful, confused by unclear memories.  Sad, scared and desperate most days.  Sometimes I have a moment or two where I know that I will get through this all, these are the moments that keep me going.
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust others or myself.  I am afraid of men, very afraid, I hate being alone with them, even just in an office at work I get freaked out inside.  I try to trust myself, but I often don't trust my feelings of others, I have judged people very wrong in the past and now it is so hard to trust my gut feelings anymore.

-Kolee

[Ramona]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?  Yes, my family. My father separated me from the rest and lied to them. I was a small child, they just believed him. Then he and my grandparents would not allow me near my mother. They kept making up stories of why I needed to be in my room, or away from her. Later, she would not allow me near others who may have helped me, since she did not trust anyone herself.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  Yes, with each abuse act, it confirms that people cannot be trusted with someone else's life. And no one cares about what happens to another, just themselves and their selfish wants.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? I withdrew. I became very sick. I could not poop, and had constant infections. I was almost put in braces cause I guess my little bones were "moved about" from the weight of full grown men - yes more than one. I had scarlet fever, then rheumatic arthritis. My family ignored all of these. I could not walk, and they did nothing until school repeatedly called. School knew, some teachers knew. Then I was brought to the hospital, and then shortly after, we'd move again. But nothing was done about the abuse.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? I don't know if this is true. My abuse happened so young. I just found out that I have never trusted or loved anyone. And that my capacity to feel loved is very much less than others. I thought everyone was like that.

5. How do you see yourself now?  Broken, maybe beyond repair. I am 43 now. I have just had another flashback. I am sickened by what I've seen. I am all split up inside. People are so very cruel. I used to see the beauty in everything and everyone. I had amnesia. Now I find that I have a split personality and that was one split and the rest of me is a mess. I hate myself and want to die most of the time. I cry in the morning because I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my own father would hate me so much and oh forget it.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  I was lucky that I had amnesia for a while because I found a friend who doesn't seem to think I am bad no matter what has been coming out of me recently. All these terrible visions and feelings. I am cross every day. And still my friend is here. I don't know why. I've told a few, and they feel so bad (I didn't even tell them details), that they are pained to speak to me - these were freinds. My family is so spaced out I can't tell if they are even on this planet. My father is dead.

7. Do you trust others?  Do you trust yourself? No. I recently found some very mean parts that hurt me. Not physically, but I just hate myself.

[tilted]

Okay, lemme try this....

Sorry guys, I feel way to vunerable to leave this up.

I tried.

[~Lindsay~]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Well, my abuser told me never to tell anyone, but of course, I have after about three years.  When I started telling my family and friends, my parents didn't want me telling anyone else.  Did I listen to that either?  Nope.  Its my story to tell, not theirs to keep silent

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My parents (namely my mother) didn't believe me at first so that was hard to deal with.  I also told some friends from the youth group that I belonged to.  They were from around the state.  At first they were supportive and encouraged me to report this to the police, but then their priest (it was a Catholic church) was caught with child po*n and suddenly they were advocating forgiveness and no persecution.  That hurt a lot.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yeah, I have cut myself for awhile.  I stopped that though.  My main problems now are withdrawing and overeating, both of which I'm trying to control now.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I'd have to think about that more.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I am well on the way to healing.  I still have a way to go, but I"m more confident and not wanting to be silenced anymore.  I've seen some powerful results from telling my story.  I have rough days, but I feel a lot stronger now.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes, I have told people about the abuse.  Most of my friends have been supportive.  I've also finally reported to the police and have worked with an amazing officer and advocate.  I was scared telling the officer because he was the first male I ever talked to about it, but Kristen, the advocate, was there to help ease the fears of doing that.  I've even told one of my guy friends which has brought us even closer.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I am beginning to trust others again which I never thought I would be able to do.  I trust myself for the most part as well.

Lindsay

[musikalrose]

1.Were you silenced by someone? How?  
 Not exactly in the way you would expect...i told my psychologist and it got reported, my mom found out...that fucked me up and i didn't want to talk about it with anyone after that.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  

not exactly....his wife stayed with him, said she didn't want me coming around, but that's understandable from her side..it still hurt a lot though that she didn't know if she believed me or not. THen i put myself into a lot of situations i didn't need to be in because of the way i fealt about myself where people took advantage of me.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)  

I was bulimic for a few years, a self injurer....i withdrew, yes, i cried all the time.....i was depressed......slept around...


4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?  

I'm tired of trusting people and getting betrayed, so sometimes i get leery....but on the other hand, i trust people too much sometimes i think. It is hard to look at myself and see a person people actually like being around though.

5. How do you see yourself now?  

I'm a lot happier than i used to be, i don't have the void i used to have, but i still feel lost in a way....different

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  

I have told a few people....most were bad. Like my psychologist reporting it was fucked up, understandable though.....he had to. but that fucked me up still. My aunt was the most supportive/helped me the most with it when i told her. my dad just said ok, that was it. that pissed me off...then he came back and said the more he thought about it, the more it pissed him off, so who knows.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

That's a hard one to answer. I have some sort of trust in others and myself, but i don't know sometimes if i even trust that i could have a good relationship with anyone.....i feel like they'd abandon me for some reason or leave me.