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11 weeks without sleep. Keep on getting nose bleeds. I thought I remembered everything. But there is more. So much more.
It looks like a big part of my disturbing memories has been pushed out of my conscious mind. And now itís all coming back to me. Every day new flashbacks hit me so hard that I need to sit down or stop whatever Iím doing when it happens and I canít stop myself from throwing up.
Iíve always had this memory of him cutting me, but now I remember exactly how he cut me, where he cut and how he was sewing me back together. I was drugged and couldnít move. ďLetís see how you look like on the inside hun. How about a little appendectomy? Bleed bitch bleed!Ē I see him twisting my fingers, breaking them slowly, saying "I loved you, you love me now bitch?" Medicine student. The best of his year. Got a Harvard scholarship. And the funny thing is I loved him. But waited for the right time to tell him. I loved him so much.
Then there is this other memory when I was 15. I remember one of them saying: ďIíll only say it once so listen carefully cunt. Call me your daddy you hear me? Call me your daddy. Iím your daddy today. Iím your everything today, Iím your god. Iíll fuck you till youíre brain dead you stupid cunt. Youíre crying? Let me give you a reason to cry bitch.Ē Iím having so strong body memories now that itís killing me. Iím reliving every second of it not only mentally but physically! I can feel the pain. Jeez Iím going insane arenít I? :(/>/> I can see them kicking me, beating me up. And I can feel it. I curl up into a ball and try to block it all out. But my whole body hurts. I'm scared.
I start remembering the details of what happened in the woods. It freaks me out. Little bits and pieces keep coming back to me every day. I was tied to a chair. I remember that I wanted to blackout. I felt no pain. My body was totally numb. Now I remember how scared I was. I remember asking myself why. I remember telling myself thatís it ok to let go. Itís ok to stop being strong. Itís alright to give up. Itís alright to close my eyes and never open them again. Itís ok to stop breathing and fighting. I was so tired. And I remember my body covered with blood. My face, my arms, hands, legs...it was everywhere. Now I'm constantly looking at my hands expecting to see it again.
Someone said to me ďSurvivor is someone who survivedĒ. To survive means to stay alive or in existence. So yes. I didnít die. Iím still here. Iím physically ok. I survived physically. Yes I was thinking to myself ďI wonít let you kill meĒ But they did. They killed me. Iím dead inside. When I look back on what they did to me, when the flashbacks hit me and I see it all again Iím asking myself whatís the point of being alive anyway. I donít want to go through all this again. I canít take the pain again. Itís disgusting. Itís wrong. Itís sick. Things like this only happen in movies and when they happen you look away coz itís just too much to watch.
What am I doing here? Iím drowning. Falling. I donít recognize myself. Itís not me. I wrestle alone in the dark.
I wish I had a crystal ball to show me, if it's worth it all.
I said too much. I shared too much. Now I'm feeling too much. And don't know how to make it stop :(/>/> I'm losing it. I'm losing it completely.