Pandora's Aquarium: From: I Don't know Where to Start - Pandora's Aquarium

Just like my title, I don't know where to start...with this post, telling my story, my life. I just don't know where to start. I've tried therapy, and groups, and all kinds of things, but I always end up back here, alone and unable to get the words out, or let go of the pain that feels like it is crushing. I'm hoping by writing it down in my blog, it may help to finally release it all but I don't know exactly where to start, so I thought maybe I can start here. I'm 22 years old, a soldier in the Army reserves, a college student, and a survivor. Well, I don't know if I am a survivor really since I am still plagued with these things and don't seem to really be making any progress in my healing. There are so many bad things that have happened to me that I don't know exactly how to put it into words. I don't know if anyone has ever been at this point but I'm ready to heal but I don't what steps to take to go in the right direction. I don't know what I'm doing or if I'm even doing the right thing. I feel like this crazy messed up person who is just going in circles, always ending up right where I started. Maybe I should try to explain a little. When I was a child, I was messed with by my brothers, their friends, and other individuals ranging from a year older than me to grown men. I was touched, and made to have sex sometimes with these guys and other things. When I was a teenagers, I was sexually assaulted more than once by strangers and then when I was grown I was raped 3 times by people I knew. My whole life I have just been something for guys to play with and I've hated myself so much for it. I never had friends and people always left me and I felt like there was something wrong with me, and I still can't understand why no one ever loved me. Sometimes I don't think anyone will, not even my God, who I love but don't understand why he would love me. I feel like a failure and a nobody put on this earth just to be used. I try so hard to get my life together but nothing ever works out. I'm on what I think is the right path right now but I'm afraid I'm just going to fail again and the cycle will just restart. I don't have anyone to talk and since my mom died recently, I have felt even more alone. I mean at least she loved me some, even though she didn't show it a lot. I know she did. I'm just so alone now and want to stop hurting. I never told anyone about the things that happened to me when I was a kid and only told about some of the stuff from when I was older. Its hard to tell anyone though, because they'll just think I'm crazy or exaggerating or want attention or something. I've learned that from experience. So this is why I don't know where to start. I just want to feel better but sometimes it's hard to believe I ever will.

Source: I Don't know Where to Start