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My latest meeting with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 25 December 2013 · 165 views

So... tonight was another Christmas dinner with my family, which of course included my uncle. I've decided that I'm never going to attend another family gathering again. I just can't go with him there. Tonight was worse than any other time, because now he has shifted the way he treats me, and it's freaking me out. I tried to force myself to be civil, but I absolutely refused to sit near him or allow him to hug me. I knew if he touched me that I wouldn't be able to control myself and would just scream and hit him. I tried my best to not even speak to him, but he tried several times to initiate conversations with me. (though he wasn't particularly friendly, and exuded dislike at me) I was coldly polite, but unlike the last few times I saw him, this time his whole demeanor was different towards me. And that change worries me.
 
This time, he was more reserved. I felt far more threatened by this, because it was so different to his normal behavior. He's no longer trying to figure out how much i remember about what he did to me, as it clear I remember alot. But he kept giving me this look that I could only perceive as menacing. I was so uncomfortable, and desperate to leave.
 
When it was time to go I slipped out of the house without saying goodbye to him, thinking I had made a clean escape. But my sister had insisted on me giving her a ride, so I was forced to sit in the car and wait for her. Because she took so long, my uncle eventually wandered outside. I was terrified he would try to come to my car window and locked the doors. He walked from the house to the street where I was parked in the darkness and just stood in the road, about ten feet away, staring at me with a very mean expression on his face. He stood like that for over a minute until my sister came out, before turning wordlessly and going back into the house.
 
I feel so unsafe tonight. I can't sleep, because all I can think is that he knows where I live, what if he tries to come here and do something to me? Why was he just standing there in the street, looking at me? Was it just to intimidate me, or was he trying to memorize my license plate number? Arghghgh.... am I overanalyzing this?
 
I will never go to the annual family Christmas dinner again, and I think it was a serious mistake to have gone tonight. I don't ever want to see that evil man again. I had nightmares all week and my intuition was telling me not to go tonight, but I went anyway. I wish I could shake this uneasy feeling, I can't help but be afraid he's planning to do something bad to me.



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missophelia
Dec 25 2013 08:06 PM

I'm really sorry that happened to you tonight.  I understand how you feel.  The man who raped me stared at me all the time, in just the same way your uncle did.  I know the feeling, it's like being trapped. 

 

I don't think you are overanalyzing anything.  I understand the anxiety, and the fear, the feeling unsafe.  That's exactly what it is.

 

I hope you are doing ok.  Try to take good care of your self.  If there is anything you can do that is distracting, or call someone, do something soothing for your self. 

 

I wish there was more I can say to help.  Just know I am thinking of you, sitting with you, and sending safe hugs if ok.

He's is a sick person and I want to hit him for you! I'm so sorry to hear. Honestly I get the sense that he is pissed because he couldn't scare you (even though you said you were but you didn't show it). You stood up to him by being coldly polite as you mentioned. If you have his number, maybe write a text saying how he is just a toxic aspect to your life and would appreciate it if he left you alone. I just had to text back one of my abusers saying how just because it's the holidays doesn't mean it makes up for your behavior. Take care of yourself. I'm mad that he was doing that to you. I'm sorry but I wish I could hit him where it hurts and tell him to leave you alone and rot!

You are such a brave, inspiring woman. The fact that you could actually force yourself to go to an event where you knew your attacker would be, shows true strength of character.

You are in no way overanalysing it. He is a sick human being. A total disgrace and he deserves nothing but misery.

I am so sorry that you can't even go to a family event without being reminded of what happened to you, I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I hope things clear up for you soon. xo

Missophelia, writer, and shani-

 

Thank you all for the kind and supportive comments. I truly cannot convey just how much your words mean to me. Last night was such a terrible night for me, but knowing there are good people like you all out there really helps me to not feel so alone. ((hugs)) if okay

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