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When did we grow up?

Posted by Jennifer2782 , 11 June 2011 · 32 views

It occurred to me long ago that as a child that was SA, I was going to have to grow up quite fast if I wanted to make it through it all. Thank God I realized that as early as I did because I needed to grow up faster than I knew and it is one of the reasons I am okay, for the most part, right now.
Here recently though I have been having a new thought. Not only did those of us that suffered child SA have to grow up fast and have the childhood we should have had stolen from us...Has anyone else realized that the years are still seemingly being stolen from us?
Now I am not having a particularly rough time in healing right now or anything, I have just been thinking and reflecting on the past. My last assault was as a child and was 14 years ago. I know what technically happened to those 14 years. I can list off where I lived for them, what I was doing, what I was doing for work and who I associated with....I have total recall on them but...I am going to turn 30 years old next year and I am not sure where the last 14 years went.
I have made great progress in those years and recovered beyond what even I thought was possible. In fact, the woman I am today would not recognize the girl I was even 6 years ago. But where did the years go?

It has led me to a conclusion....
I think when you are a victim of SA, childhood or otherwise, it is not only the childhood or the adult years the person steals from you. Your life is stolen. We, as survivors, have to work so hard at "normalizing" and fitting our coping strategies into "normal" everyday life that it can steal years from us even after the assaults have stopped. This is a life long mission for us to heal and it is not just the "little" us that needs attention and healing. We will need to be ever-vigilant to be able to hold onto the healing we have already accomplished and try to gain more of it.
Just a thought that occurred to me a few minutes ago and wanted to share it. Feel free to add any thoughts that come your way.



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loveinflames
Jun 11 2011 02:11 PM
here with you jennifer
I have had these thoughts too
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Jennifer2782
Jun 11 2011 03:29 PM
Love,

Thanks honey, though I am sorry that anyone can relate. Oh well, this is what was handed to us now it is just about what we do with it. I hope you are well dear friend.

Be in peace,
Jennifer
Jennifer,

Very insightful!
I have been searching for years for that moment when I would feel like I was finally going to have to stop struggling with the feeling of "I'm a child forever" or "I have no control over my life" but in the last year I've come to finally realized that while it does become less prevalent and doesn't come up near as much, it will be something that I will struggle with, even periodically, for the rest of my life. Coming to grips with that has been, for me, the hardest part.
It's starting to click though. Now I want to help others get there too!

Thanks so much for this post Jennifer!
:hug:
Lissa
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soul_leaves
Jun 13 2011 05:49 PM
i agree completely. I feel like all my friends talk about their wonderful childhood memories all the time and i can't relate.... I get jealous and bitter about not having a childhood.
Thank you for your thoughts!
I agree. I was CSA when I was 8. I am 17 now and no where near a normal teen. I also had to grow up to protect myself. I think it was for the best, but at the same time I wonder what it would have been like to have a real childhood.

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