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Therapeutic Thoughts

Posted by eliseinwonderland , 24 January 2013 · 39 views

**TW: mention of SI and some violent things**

It used to be that when I was having too hard a time at school I would retreat into the bathroom and SI or just cry. I always knew that this was unhealthy but I really had no idea how to cope with the triggers around me or the panic attacks that I was having.

Finally, after a couple months I realized that writing/journaling when I was home worked so well, so why shouldn't I do it at school? I started carrying around a journal that I could whip out to just write what I was feeling. It was nice that things didn't have to be coherent or organized...I could just ramble about what I was feeling in the moment until the panic attack passed.

Eventually my writing became more and more violent. I would write about what I wanted to do to the boys who did this to me, how to get revenge on the girls for lying to the detective. I'm normally a pretty peaceful person. I meditate often and try to think positive thoughts (I really do think it helps with my outlook on life!) It shocked me at first when I realized that I was writing about all these awful things that I would do to them. I don't know if it is healthy but damn, it makes me feel a lot better.

I guess that because there was no external justice, I just really really want them to know that they did something wrong. I would never do anything to them physically regardless of how good it would feel.

I hate that they have had any affect on me at all, especially that they have made me think thoughts that I would not normally think about anyone. So much of me believes that they deserve things like that though. I realize that this is normal, and people have probably had this response before, but I wish that I didn't devote so much time to think of THEM anyway.


i really like this.
i think i should start carrying my journal around at school because i get panic attacks there.
i hate that i devote alot of time and energy into assholes in my life. it really aggravates me. i feel like i should be stronger than i am. idk. my mom says i'm doing really good but she isn't aware of how i really feel whenever i go to school.
"I would never do anything to them physically regardless of how good it would feel." --- i totally, totally can relate to that.
I believe it is very healthy to express the anger. When you deny it and lock it away inside you it poisons you and infects you. As you express that anger in time you may be able to let it go, not because it no longer matters what they did, but because you have acknowledged the pain and betrayal and it no longer affects you.

So glad your journalling is helping you.

January 2015

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