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When asked: Why didn't you fight harder what do you say. *T*
Posted 01 April 2004 - 03:01 PM
because i was scared
because he was drunker than i've ever seen anyone
because i knew he could hurt me in an instant without even realising it
because i was in shock
becuase he was supposed to love me so how could this be happening and surely he would stop any minute
because my boundaries were already screwed from previous abuse
because i felt i wasnt worth it
because saying no and crying should have been enough
Posted 04 April 2004 - 06:53 PM
The question should not be "Why didn't you fight?" The question should be "Why did this person attack you?"
But since people who are frequently well-meaning do ask this now and again, and since survivors are almost all plagued by an internal voice asking it, here are some possible answers. Some of them don't apply to attacks by strangers, but I've noticed that this question tends to be more problematic when it was a lover, friend or family member.
Love - it's not easy to fight a beloved relative or partner.
Shame - the neat little paradox where the victim gets to feel it instead of the perpetrator begins right at the start.
Being physically smaller or not as strong as the attacker.
Gentleness - many people are not accustomed to thinking of violence as an appropriate way to behave so it doesn't necessarily occur to them.
Switching off - common defence mechanism.
I didn't put up a fight. I do know why. I still feel bad about it. I'm slowly learning to live with it.
Posted 02 September 2004 - 08:29 PM
Posted 04 September 2004 - 03:00 PM
Posted 12 September 2004 - 02:22 PM
I did go home with skin under my nails. I never did figure out when or where I scratched him. I hope it got infected though.
Posted 12 September 2004 - 04:16 PM
Females are not designed to be able to fend of a male attacker. In general, we're significantly weaker in the physical department.
If females were capable of competing with males in physical situations, why don't they compete AGAINST each other in sports? Why are jobs requiring manual labor usually dominated by men? Why didn't females work in times past, when ALL jobs were of this nature? Why is it only MEN that have been drafted?
But yet, when we're being raped - terrified and our entire being violated - somehow we're supposed to find strength that is not only EQUAL to that of a male, but SURPASSES it.
Posted 20 September 2004 - 10:28 PM
Many hugs and think safe thoughts all.
Posted 09 March 2005 - 05:04 AM
This question, why didn't you fight harder?, was one of the main reasons I didn't go to the police. Why did you do this? Why didn't you do that? And no one really understands what a situation is like unless they experience. And even then, it is only that one particular person's experience.
These kinds are not limited to survivors of sexual violence. When I was twelve, a good friend was bound and gagged at knifepoint, while she watched her friend being kidnapped. After the news media had used up all the main points, they started harassing her and twelve-year-old witness. They asked them questions like, "Why didn't you scream?" and "Why didn't you fight harder?" Completely inappropriate questions. Even at twelve, I was furious at the news media for asking my friend those questions, thinking they were presumptutious enough to assume they would have never been bound and gagged by the man with the knife. These kinds of questions are asked by people who have to justify the situation to themselves, so they can think it will never happen to them or their family/friends.
Posted 03 June 2010 - 10:33 PM
Posted 21 September 2010 - 09:00 PM
Posted 11 November 2010 - 08:41 AM
And felt even more disgusting for weeks..
I blame only myself often, and then i try not to, but when others ask i freak out..
They should shut up..<p>Take care..
I have the same reaction. I panic and freeze. I zone out and go somewhere else. I can't do anything. I hate it when people don't get it. It is hard to get over this as I often feel guilty and ashamed when people say this to me. I wonder why I couldn't respond differently, It just is the way my body responded/reacted to the fear and stress.