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My sister, my loss...tw su

Posted by jdam , 10 July 2012 · 263 views

Seems all my blogs end up in drafts. I have a real problem talking about thing unless it's in poetry. I don't know why that is, seems safer in some ways...like if people can relate it's not only about me and my problems. This pain is specific. It rips a hole right through your soul, making it impossible to breathe sometimes. This is a sad anniversary, the day my little sister committed suicide. I don't know what it is about this day, I realize she's gone 24/7 but on this day my mind always goes to the same ugly place...her hanging there, her last thoughts, her desperation--and why didn't I realize she was so near, yet so far? Someone has told me that I need to stop doing this to myself on a monthly basis, believe me, it's not a conscious decision to see her in my mind's eye like that. I've tried like hell to think of only the good memories, our vacations together, the way she made me laugh, her engaging smile, her quick laughter and the way she made everyone feel. Next month will be three years, how is that even possible? I feel as though we were just eating that gloppy Chinese food together, and laughing our asses off about silly stuff. When did everything go black? Losing someone to suicide is by far the most painful anguish of it all, next to realizing the reason why she did it. If I'd only known back then, maybe we could have fought these demons together. Hindsight is 20/20 and now she's gone, forever. So many people talk about ending it all, and they have no clue that all they're doing is transferring their pain to someone else, someone that loved them dearly. We are left with all the suffering and guilt. Sometimes I get so angry and sometimes I feel so guilty, who am I to judge that she wanted her pain to end or anyone else's. It just hurts so bad....I often think if she'd made it through those last minutes, through one more day, would she have had a change of heart? Desperation tugs at every emotion and makes people do desperate things. I had to get this out...put it out here someplace. I'm hoping that I can take that step forward, I know Lee would have wanted it that way. Being stuck in this private hell is not what her plan was about, and it wasn't about me, it was about her, her freedom, her sanity, her escape. I still can't help feeling there's got to be a better way...there could have been, for her, for me, for everyone that deals with this rubbish. I am sad for anyone that feels this sense of desperate, I am angry at the people that put us in this place....most of all my heart is shattered and I miss my baby sister.

i think that what you have said is true and in some ways i think it is beautiful how you have expressed yourself. im sorry for your loss, and if its okay im sending you a hug. i dont know what to say to make you feel any better right now other than im thinking of you and after reading this is has really touched me.

try and take good care of yourself


Someone once gave me this song when I was feeling just like you are right now...
That is terrible and a torment I could never imagine. I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm very close to my sister and I don't know what i'd do if I lost her especially in that way. My heart goes out to you. And I know you'll never get over something like that but I hope one day you'll get to a point were your at peace with it.. Good luck to you and if you need someone to talk to i'll be here..
Hope it helped to write it out here jd. Thinking of you.

tre xx

:butterfly: :candle: :rainbow:
Thanks so much everyone for your understanding and kindness, reading through this gave me strength when I needed it most. Yesterday was a really rough day and I anticipate next month will be the worst. I had someone tell me to stop focusing on all the bad stuff and 'get over it'! I seriously couldn't believe my ears. I've heard it a million times when dealing with these issues but never about losing my sister. I was appalled since she was a good friend to her, I'd think she could realize how harsh that sounded. So, coming here really helped to read all your gentle kind words. You have no idea how you have helped me to deal with my sorrow. Thanks again and I hope you are all safe and get as many kind words and support on your journey.

jo xx
This very vry very hard to raed for manny diff raesons...maily cus n ways i se ye evry mnth go throu this and i whis i kenw wat to syy or do to hlp ye. I se ye strugle wit it all the tim n a lot more on the 10th. i tyr prepare myslf to be arond for ye on tht dyy.I can onlly imagne wat gon be lk for ye next month. This is fisrt i se wherr ye hav writtn it dnw like this n not in poem formatin. Then it hard to raed cus i raed ur words filld wit angr n hurt n al thht n fel like iv let ye dnw timess beofr....fel like iv let lot ppl dnw. I know ye wishh could hav tht tim wit lee to be ablle to least tlk bout things tht werr happn to hrr tht made her thnk of this. I just hoop ye kno thht she loved ye lots n times lik thh ppl not thnkin bout ppl thy leavn n hurtn thm..thy dnt evn realy want to go most times..just wannt he world to stop spinn n the pain to end. im so so so sry hurt so much babbes...hang n thrre yek now werr al behind ye 100 millin percnt. i lov ye lots :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: xoxoxoxo and frr lee :butterfly: :candle:

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