Seems all my blogs end up in drafts. I have a real problem talking about thing unless it's in poetry. I don't know why that is, seems safer in some ways...like if people can relate it's not only about me and my problems. This pain is specific. It rips a hole right through your soul, making it impossible to breathe sometimes. This is a sad anniversary, the day my little sister committed suicide. I don't know what it is about this day, I realize she's gone 24/7 but on this day my mind always goes to the same ugly place...her hanging there, her last thoughts, her desperation--and why didn't I realize she was so near, yet so far? Someone has told me that I need to stop doing this to myself on a monthly basis, believe me, it's not a conscious decision to see her in my mind's eye like that. I've tried like hell to think of only the good memories, our vacations together, the way she made me laugh, her engaging smile, her quick laughter and the way she made everyone feel. Next month will be three years, how is that even possible? I feel as though we were just eating that gloppy Chinese food together, and laughing our asses off about silly stuff. When did everything go black? Losing someone to suicide is by far the most painful anguish of it all, next to realizing the reason why she did it. If I'd only known back then, maybe we could have fought these demons together. Hindsight is 20/20 and now she's gone, forever. So many people talk about ending it all, and they have no clue that all they're doing is transferring their pain to someone else, someone that loved them dearly. We are left with all the suffering and guilt. Sometimes I get so angry and sometimes I feel so guilty, who am I to judge that she wanted her pain to end or anyone else's. It just hurts so bad....I often think if she'd made it through those last minutes, through one more day, would she have had a change of heart? Desperation tugs at every emotion and makes people do desperate things. I had to get this out...put it out here someplace. I'm hoping that I can take that step forward, I know Lee would have wanted it that way. Being stuck in this private hell is not what her plan was about, and it wasn't about me, it was about her, her freedom, her sanity, her escape. I still can't help feeling there's got to be a better way...there could have been, for her, for me, for everyone that deals with this rubbish. I am sad for anyone that feels this sense of desperate, I am angry at the people that put us in this place....most of all my heart is shattered and I miss my baby sister.