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I have just entered into another relationship.
It has been 8 months since I left Ryan and I am not sure if I know what i am doing anymore.
His name is Austin and he is the most wonderful man I have come to know. When I am with him it is like nothing else in life matters. He makes me smile just by being around. Dare I say I see myself falling in love with him one day. Yet i am afraid that this feeling will fade and that i wont know what to do to bring it back and leave. That is what i always do, I leave everyone I love or start to fall in love with. I suppose I dont know how to be there for someone in the long run. I leave when things get hard, and at this moment in time I want to be able to remember how happy i am with him and be able to stick it out through the hard stuff. Life will not always be ponies and rainbows and I want to be able to keep my promise that I made to him and be there for him even at times of darkness. Because I know in my heart that he will be there for me when i really need him to be.
So I am once again left searching for something to grasp on to. Some hope in life that will allow me to devote myself to someone and keep my mind in the present. I only ever wish that i could leave some of this pain and anger in the past. Because when it comes down to it, it truly affects all of my relationships in life.
My intimate relationship with Austin is constantly interupted by the past, although he knows and understands i still wish that i could make it go away. It is interfearing with my ability to connect with him and if it continues to interfear it may become an issue that will keep me from ever connecting with someone.
I know that I am young yet I feel as though he is a good one, someone that had the potential to change my life forever.
So I am left searching for myself... searching for time.... searching for peace.... constantly searching.