dance of the dolls
this song by moral truly captures the heaviness i sometimes feel about my trauma. listening to this song has been known to conjure up happy tears and also helps me connect with the grief to all that has been lost throughout the years. i really like a lot of minimal electronic music from the early 80's and my exploration of this type of music (as well as other genres like industrial/diy punk/noise/darkwave/etc) can be found here on my tumblr (http://fuzzypentagram.tumblr.com/) i find that i am best able to process my trauma through music, words, and visual work and i am excited to be working on ways to show some of the art projects i am working on.
yesterday, i had my usual weekly session with my T and it was rather intense. we did EMDR and it was surrounded by a current crisis i am experiencing with my partner. we are experiencing difficulties right now. i think that he is struggling to find the best ways to support me with my healing and i have come to face that he also has a history of trauma to work through and has just started going to the same trauma counseling agency that i have been going to. the fact that we are going to the same place for help is very difficult for me right now. i guess it would be easier if he were just going there as a co-survivor, but they have come to realize that he has his own trauma to confront before he could truly be as supportive as i need him to be.
i just really hope that we can make it through this difficult time together, but i'm having my doubts.
there seems to be a wall between us and a lot of coldness. we have not always been like that. the EMDR session was very rough. i had a difficult time with it because i was very tired from the night previous. this is because my cat pentagram had used my favorite winter coat as his litter box in the early morning and i got quite an asthma attack from cleaning up the mess. i had taken a lot of allergy medicine to get my breathing back since my inhaler is all used up and its going to cost me money i dont have right now to replace it. so i was exhausted and loopy from the allergy medicine. i was not able to focus much. i was not able to explain what emotions i really feel when i hear my partner make threats about breaking the lease we have with our roommate to live somewhere else without me at the end of the month. i was not able to state that i actually don't feel angry and sad as much as i feel afraid when he tells me these things when he is angry about something. my T and i touched on the fact that the words, 'i don't care what happens to you if i decided to leave you, it is not my responsibility' are extremely triggering to me- not that they would be great for anyone to hear.
the EMDR wasn't quite as successful and i left the session feeling raw and that something was left incomplete. the emotions inside of me from our session were too big for my body to handle, music wasn't sad or angry enough to help me find relief. thats when i realized it was fear that is the governing emotion. first its numbness, then its raw fear. i think that something went wrong in the session and the replacement coping thought doesn't match the feeling of fear. i attempted to process things in EMDR with the closing sentiment that i am strong and calm enough to handle the cruel things that people say. i really want to replace that with, though i am afraid of what i am hearing and this has led to horrifying outcomes that i can empower myself in response to figure out a way to survive if my partner decides that its best for him to leave the relationship.'
i was not in the best of places to do EMDR and i regret that i didn't tell my T this. due to the fact that i wasn't in the right place and the session wasn't as organized as i needed, no wonder i came home feeling like garbage. i am going to work out my thoughts on that in my private journal to explore further why i left the session in such a bad shape so that i have some talking points to share with my T. i think i am going to leave a voicemail to her when i know she is not in the office to share some of my thoughts on the matter just so she has a heads up for the next time we meet.
even my T struggled with the session. when i first told her what my partner was saying to me, she looked horrified. then she immediately proceeded to go into EMDR. i think we went too quickly into an aspect of my trauma that im not yet ready to deal with through EMDR. i am kind of upset that she didn't recognize that. i was dissociating so much that she went from moving her finger in front of my eyes to using this electronic device that sent vibrations through my hands. i also think that she didn't give me enough time to talk in session about how afraid i am of what will happen to me if my partner and i do break up and how related that fear is to what i have been through in the past five or so years.
i think that my T is awesome, but something in that session wasn't quite right. i am confident that i'll be able to speak with her about this and we be able to resolve and better address the issue we opened up in EMDR together.