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I would spend weeks in his home in the guest bedroom and at night when my sister went to bed he would get drunk and have sex with me. I still remember feeling paralyzed. But still, I would let him. I would, at times, welcome him. I still struggle with this and wondered for years if I could define this as rape. I remember telling someone once about it without the details, just that it went on for 3 years and she asked me, "can you really call that rape?" I was devastated. All that time of keeping my mouth shut, going through and abortion with his baby, losing my intimacy with my family and later every relationship I would attempt to have and she asked me if it was really rape? Damn right it was! I didn't ask to be violated, alienated and carry guilt for the rest of my life. I didn't ask to be groomed into trust at a pure age of 15 when most young women are going through their first love. I didn't ask for my first sexual encounter to be colored in shame. He is sick. Not me. I am healing. I am learning to forgive myself everyday for feeling like it was my fault or that I was the one who had to lie.
Source: Returning "willingly" to your abuser
2 Comments On This Entry
Wiping the Mud from My Eyes
on Mar 16 2013 06:08 PM
My Responsibilities as a Survivor: Working through the Grey Areas
on Feb 03 2013 12:43 PM
Making Progress? Or set back?
on Jan 30 2013 10:41 PM
Dad, I Was Raped...
on Jan 27 2013 10:19 PM
A Letter to My Perpetrator
on Jan 26 2013 09:52 AM