Meeting little-kid me
Anyway, it doesn't really matter what I'm scared of because my subconscious is running its own program. I got on a bad train of thought the other night. I felt really guilty. I started blaming myself for everything. I thought if I could just keep myself under control my partner wouldn't distance herself from me. If I were talented like my brother my parents would have paid attention to me. If I didn't do those things with Darren, his father wouldn't have gotten me to do things with him. If I didn't like men, that I wouldn't have responded to them and encouraged them. I didn't care anymore. I wanted to fall apart and never get back up.
My partner had a migraine. She had a bad physical therapy appointment. She just couldn't handle me, not that I don't understand. I've gotten migraines for years, I'm completely useless when I have them.
I was on my own. I was able to ground and center myself enough to not start crying. If I did, I wasn't going to stop and I didn't have anybody capable of supporting me (T is out of town). I didn't know where this all was coming from. I got my breathing under control and started an easy rhythm to help me meditate. If these thoughts don't make sense, and they don't, then they're coming from a different part of me. As freaked-out as it makes me, I have to admit that when I was a child I was hurt very badly and I had to do some messed-up shit to make it through. Maybe that meant disassociating parts of myself to contain the damage. Maybe that means that my inner child is actually inner children.
So maybe when I came apart I didn't come back together right. I closed my eyes and went to that deep, dark place where everything I'm afraid of is. I went alone. I've never gone without my gods protecting me. I couldn't take them this time. This is me I'm dealing with; I can't be afraid of myself and heal at the same time. I asked if there were any parts of me I sent here. I said I was sorry for sending them away, and that I'm here to take care of them now.
I don't want to put any details down here. I wrote everything down in a notebook. I'm going to try to talk to my T about it when she gets back. I'm freaked out that she'll think I'm crazy. I know I'm not, I know I'm just hurting a lot. The point is that I told them I had to make a deal with them. I can't do these meltdowns outside of therapy sessions anymore. I know it's a lot to ask them to wait longer, and I know it's not fair. But if this shit happens at work, or when my partner can't be there for me, then I'm doing it alone and I can't handle it in healthy ways by myself yet.
The deal is I have to sleep with my teddy bear and I can't bury myself in work anymore. I have to do fun stuff, too. This is what I get for being a workaholic. I can do that.