I have been so overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed. I am just full of anxiety, and anger. I'm always depressed. Some moments are worse than others.
I got triggered the other day. Something someone had written on his truck, as it passed me on the highway I read what was written. It was vulgar, obscene, definitely a sexual reference. A word that the man who raped me used. The one word I have the hardest time saying. It was excruciating to say it in therapy.
So, I got triggered, and I've been trying to deal with hearing his words. Seeing that face of his as he stared at me.
All of that while I am constantly struggling with feelings of self hatred.
I am in the middle of an art show that 10 of my works are showing in. I was hoping to be happier about that than I am. My excitement CAN be contained, if I had to, I would put it in a small pill bottle. That's how little excitement I feel about my works being exhibited. I could probably pack the little wisp of happiness that I have in that pill bottle, right next to my little wisp of excitement.
None of what is going on is helping with my urges to SI. They become unbearable at times, and I have not gotten straight (or clean as some call it), for any amount of time that is longer than a week.
On top of all of that is the fact that I am only working part time, the house I live in will be sold soon, and I don't know where I'll go or how I'll live.
Mixed in with all of that is the fact that besides the urges to SI, I am battling with thoughts of suicide, wanting everyone to go away and leave me alone, wanting to just get in my car and disappear, and wanting everything to end. California has always been on my mind as a way out, being that it ties together the suicidal thoughts I have and the place where I was raped.
So, now that I have dumped that all out in this blog post, I don't even know what to say anymore. It's just all so hard and overwhelming. But this is how it is:
my days are spent wishing I was in bed
my nights are spent wishing I was off this planet