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Posted by Tsuena , 06 August 2013 · 116 views

Talking to my friend again. The one who likes me. The one I've never been able to make understand why I'm so terrified of him, or even that I AM terrified of him, not just a little nervous. Well, finally got him to understand. Shame I had to relate everything that happened up until the actual act in grim, degrading detail.

Suffice to say I trust too easily. I will never stop being ashamed of this.

Not him. He was wonderful and supportive and I do believe we've cleared everything up now. And he's going to try and leave his feelings behind. Not sure how I feel about this. Thought it was what I wanted. Now I just feel like I'm watching a good thing walk away, when I'm terrified of him walking any closer. No win situation. At least he wins from this one.

Still, the point being I triggered while I was telling him. I'm pretty sure that my reaction, my 'trigger' as everyone calls it here, just results in emptiness and cold and shaking. No flashbacks, no emotional pain, no sickness, just a feeling of the world blurring, my body and conscious mind moving separate to the rest of me, heavy and unresponsive. Cold, unemotional logic while my entire body shakes uncontrollably. It's not a nice feeling, but it's not particularly horrible. It just feels like nothing. The only alarming thing is how hard I shake.

Congratulations on another excellent defence mechanism, body. When are you ever going to let me feel these emotions?

I am so sorry that you have to be going through this right now. :(

Do you have a T? If you do, perhaps you could bring this up with him/her and they could help you to work through the grieving process so you can process your emotions and hopefully get rid of these shakes you get.

And don't know if this will help with your shakes or anything, but try to find a therapist that practices this thing called EMDR. It's used to help survivors process memories, trauma, and other stuff. It helps speed up the healing process a lot faster. I recommend looking up on it.

I really hope my advice helps you in one way or another. If not, I'm sorry. Safe hugs, if that's okay. :)
Thanks Parlophone, you're a darling. :hug:

I don't have a T atm... apparently my T stops for summer, and I have to ask to carry on with her if I want to after the summer...? I'm not sure I do. I don't dislike her, but there's something in me that doesn't trust her. But yeah, she always told me these things take time. And then never went over them with me.

EMDR? Okay, I'll try and look into that when I'm trying to find a new T (because I think I need to). I want to feel like my reactions are making some kind of productive sense. They never really do.

Thanks again, and hugs right back atcha. :hug:

July 2016

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