Day 65: Disappointment Versus Devastation
This morning the doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment. I went in quick succession through the grief process when I got the call. First, I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to the voicemail. I thought, "maybe the appointment could be moved up by an hour rather than cancelled." Then I thought, "No. I'm not calling back. I'll act like I didn't get the message and just go in."
I felt the anxiety monster taking form in the middle of my office, in the middle of the work day. I had ZERO time to have this happen. I was in between meetings with 50 minutes until I had to be in an interview for an executive position. (We're in the thick of some really crucial hiring.) I had to sort this out quickly.
So, I called the nurse and asked what was up. She said the doctor was being called to a meeting with the hospital CEO. The meeting would cause my appointment to be shorter than we wanted. She wanted to give me the choice to come in today for a shorter appointment or reschedule.
There was no question I needed to reschedule.
I thanked her for the option and we found another time.
I sat at my desk working my way through the let-down of having gotten so built up for this moment.
- First I felt despair.
- Then I felt angry, because it triggered my whole, "you don't matter" messages, and my, "this stuff always happens to you" noise.
- After being angry, I felt hopeless, "I'm done with this. It's too hard." That one lasted for a while.
- Then I felt tired.
- Then, in the last 15 minutes or so before my meeting, I started saying, "It's no different than any other cancellation." I kept saying it until I felt my heart rate slow and my muscles relax.
I realized this as I worked through the afternoon. When I came home it drilled in completely for me when I read a post about doctors in one of the forums:
"Maybe we face terrible truths by finding the people out in the world, one by one, who can face them with us."
Perhaps something I can draw from the rescheduling of my appointment is that this doctor might be one of those people who can face the terrible truth with me.
So, indeed I am disappointed, but I am not devastated.
And, alas, I rewind my countdown clock. The appointment will be the afternoon of the 19th.