The most recent being that I've abandoned my new found sexuality and returned to an ex. one of the good ones, but yup he's a male. after almost two years of not having a male partner I'm back again and genuinely happy. we took a vacation together. my first ever. we moved in together. i mean he's cornered the market on being there for my firsts. first boyfriend, first kiss, first airplane ride, first vacation, first live-in boyfriend. i think I'm falling in love with him and that scares the shit out of me. and yet i don't want to walk away.
i had an amazingly cathartic conversation with my mom today. my past got brought up and i admitted things to my mom that I've never uttered outloud. i cried like a baby. but it was good. i think she heard me when i said my childhood sucked. i never really felt loved or wanted and it hurts like hell when she gets mad and stops talking too me or forgets me or isn't there for me and i know its not her fault I'm fucked up and she shouldn't have to suffer for my biological parents mistakes it still does hurt. i can't help that when i feel abandoned the adult me disappears and this scared little girl comes out.
then with him. we found out we were pregnant. i ran into my head and it went immediately to Naija. i got scared. i didn't want him to leave me. and i didn't want the decision about what to do to be his. so i went behind his back and terminated. i couldn't hold it in so i told him. he decided to go out for boys night and not come home all night. then left again shortly after coming home. needless to say emotions are running rampant inside of me and I'm still therapy and medication free. i must be healing because i think the old me would be standing on a ledge.