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Most recent encounter with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 12 August 2013 · 165 views

I can't sleep tonight, every time I close my eyes I see him.

I saw him again a few weeks ago. There was a birthday party for my grandfather, and everyone was expected to go. When I arrived I was so relieved to see that my uncle wasn't there. I was able to relax and actually start to enjoy myself. But about an hour into the evening I saw him outside through the glass patio doors. He leered at me before walking in, and I felt my heart stop. As soon as he came in the room he tried to hug me, so I had to position my body around a table and scoot back so he couldn't reach me. He stood there for a long moment with his arms outstretched, his eyes warning me as I silently refused to hug him. Eventually he moved on and greeted other people, and I felt a small sense of satisfaction at pissing him off.

As I've mentioned in earlier blogs, it's obvious to him now that I remember what he did to me. And just like last time, he spent the evening repeatedly trying to engage me in conversation. Whenever I was forced to speak to him I was very cold, and he kept trying to pick a fight with me about anything he could think of because I was being so cold to him and outright ignoring him at times. I kept wondering what other people thought of this strange behavior, but no one addressed it. I was so uncomfortable, since half the room had no idea what he's done to me, and the other half is in denial. Even in that room full of people, I knew I was completely alone and it was a strange feeling.

As the night wore on he became angrier with me. He started making odd veiled comments demanding to know "whether I remembered that incident involving him in at my old job." No one in the room had any idea what he was talking about except me. What he was really asking me was if I remembered him abusing me as a child. (I've never seen him in public in my entire life, that was merely his lame attempt to get the information he wanted) I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing anything in my mind, other than allowing my tone and my gaze to convey my contempt. Let him worry about how much I remember, I hope it gives him the same restless nights my memories give me.

When I look into his eyes it always amazes me how truly soulless they are. Even without knowing him, anyone could look at him and recognize the cruelty in his face, the aggression in his gaze. The depravity in his expressions and the utter mercilessness of his nature. He is a true predator, devoid of humanity. A dark soul, if there is such a thing. I truly believe that when I look at him, I am seeing the face of evil. Being in his presence made me feel unclean.

I wish I could name and shame him publicly as he so deserves.

Aug 13 2013 08:39 AM
Wow! I am so proud of you for how very strong you were with him. You stood your ground and did not show weakness. You are no longer that child and he no longer holds control over you. Some day I pray you are able to name him publicly, but until then, hold comfort in your strength.

As for the face that haunts you behind closed eyes... the best advice I can give is to hold tight to that same strength you show to his face. In your mind as you try to sleep, you let your guard down, that's just how it works. Work on that strength while you still try to relax and allow it to come comfortably. Know that even this *may* or *may not* remove his face from haunting you though. But it will help ease some of the pain.

I wish you peace within yourself. Or rather, I wish you safety within yourself. To feel safe in your own skin. I know how that feels, to not feel comfortable or safe in your own skin.

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