[LemonMeringue]

Brenda,

I think you are definitely making the right choice for your circumstances, and I encourage you to feel good about what you already HAVE done. You talked to the police and the chatrooms, and now you are doing what you need to do to heal. You have done a lot, and you are right: You can't worry about what he will do anymore. He is the perpetrator, and he made the decision to hurt you. You did what you could to stop him, but stopping is HIS responsibility, not yours.

You can't be on a crusade to take this one guy down without destroying yourself, but you can be an ally to other women and girls who are at risk for experiencing the same thing. As you heal and start putting your life back together, you may find that you want to share your story in the chatrooms and online sites that led you to this guy. Or you might want to write an article for a newspaper or a letter to the editor. The most important thing is that you do what is right for you, and that you remember that even if you do nothing else, you survived and are continually healing. And that is *something*...a BIG something.

You are totally right to stand up for yourself. None of this is your fault, and that as*hole's future crimes are wholly, 100%, without a doubt HIS fault and have nothing to do with you. You are also entitled to tell your friend that you need to keep on living, and internalizing guilt about possible attacks on other women is going to kill you. You have done what you can, and it is more than enough. Be proud of yourself.

Take care,
LM
P.S. I am someone who took my r*pist to court and I won, but I can tell you that is was at least twice as traumatic as the r*pe itself. My r*pist got 12 years and will serve 7, and I feel great that he is off the streets. I also know that if I hadn't had tons of support, a loving boyfriend, victim's compensation funds, amazing detectives and lawyers and a stellar group of advocates I wouldn't have gotten past the first step in the process. It takes a LOT of people to pull off a successful prosecution, and even then it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. I had DNA evidence, phsycial markings, he was a stranger, and I had an amazingly clear statement to the police...it was a perfect case, and it was STILL close. Would I do it again? To be honest, I'm simply not sure. And that is tough to admit. I have more flashbacks of the trial and sentencing than I do of the r*pe itself.

*Edited for spelling!*

This post has been edited by LemonMeringue: 14 November 2005 - 01:39 PM

[Labyrinth]

I didn't report it. If I did it wouldn't make a difference. My father, he is considered well respected, well liked, and has a strong tie to the community. I, on the other hand, am the crazy. What would they do with a claim that 10 to 15 years ago my father molested me, and then I just forgot it? My own mother doesn't believe it happened- says there weren't any signs, says it's not in my father's personality. My mother, the same woman who was also sexually assaulted by her father. There isn't finite evidence, there are only words and images....

[designerbee]

I didn't report it.

I ran across his myspace the other day. (He is friends with a friend of one of my friends- small world!)

He's 30 now. I see all the girls so much younger than him (even under 18) on his friends list and want to save them all. But they probably wouldn't believe me and I'm terrified that they'll tell him.

I try not to look at it but I can't help it. I'm scared that he'll find mine (if he hasn't already) but I don't want to let him control my life with fear anymore.

Have any of you found out that your rapist is friends with people you know (and they weren't before)?

I feel like my whole world is closing in on me. People that weren't connected before are now.

[burninginside]

no, you are in no way responsible. yes, your reporting could possibly have prevented the attacker from attacking again, but that doesn't mean you are responsible. you are the victim and should not ever be made to feel like the perpetrator. i didn't report it when i was raped, out of fear and out of wanting to forget that it happened, and i was so pissed and hurt on the few occassions when a person gave me the whole "don't you care that he might attack someone else" lecture.

[Charlotte]

Hi,

I've only just found this topic and I'm glad I did because it's something I've thought about a lot. The main reason I reported what happened to me was because I was scared he'd do it to someone else. At least then I'd have done everything I thought I could do to stop it from happening again. If I ever found out he'd done it again, I'd feel awful and guilty, but that's not fair. I'd feel so bad for the girl but guilty? Isn't that how he should feel?

I don't see how it could ever be the victim's fault if their perpetrator went on to do it to someone else. You can't be blamed for the actions of someone else. It's the blame and fault of the rapist only. Noone should feel forced to report it if they don't want to.

It seems to be a fault with society that there is so much victim blame. I just don't get it!!

Charley xxx

[soulconstance]

I'm not sure if I could have gone through a trial... I probably would have broken down. It would have given me so doubt and I think I doubted and tore myself apart enough.

But there are days I still regret it, knowing that he's still out there and probably assaulting someone else..... :angry:/>

[treshold]

I didn't know what was done to me was against the law, and i just didn't want to think about it.

[Pavitra]

I never reported most of my assaults.

With the rape, the way it happened, I doubt the police would even see it as rape. I also didn't acknowledge it as such for three years after. Now, even if I could technically file a report, I'm plain scared of secondary wounding from ignorant people if I speak out. It's hard enough for me to tell my story.

With my b-brother, so many "experts" see sibling abuse as normal, experimental, whatever... again, I wonder if someone is going to label it as fooling around and not take me seriously. I have lived long enough with that, I don't want to hear it again :(/> Not only that but I thought with my b-mother knowing when it happened, that was enough... until she too labeled it as normal and basically took his side.

I've since informed my extended family what he did, as well as some of my b-father's inappropriate behavior. They are all siding with my b-family and have even suggested they sue me. So now I'm afraid if I go to the authorities and they find out it'll add fuel to the fire.

I never reported my fourth grade teacher to the police, but I did finally tell the current principal a couple of years ago. She actually did a lot of footwork and talked to old teachers and the former principal for me, she too didn't want this guy out and about to hurt other kids... turned out he'd died a few years ago after spending 20 years in a wheelchair from a horrible motorcycle accident, probably no more than a year after what he did to me. As evil as it sounds that to me was a blessing and sentence enough, it guaranteed he couldn't hurt another child.

My childhood T filed a report with the authorities as part of her legal obligation when I told her about a former next door neighbor molesting me while babysitting when I was two or three. I think I was about 16 when we did this... I was really surprised at how EMPOWERED I felt. That T has since died and I have no idea where my former neighbor is anymore... he and his family moved away when I was in preschool. It's been suspected that his father was at the least molesting his sister and maybe even him.

Yes, I have wondered if there are others, and yes if there are I would feel sick over wondering if I could have stopped it sooner, and yes I would feel like I committed a sin of omission. But at this point, I feel like I'm doing the best I can to break the cycle by telling others when someone is dangerous, especially since statutes probably prevent legal action from being taken anyway... and ultimately it is still the PERP who is responsible for his or her own actions!

[TolbyBEAR]

For many years and still today sometimes I feel guilty for not turning in that, so called, man of the cloth. I was given the opportunity to do so. The district head members of that particular denomination placed me in a room and asked me what I would like to do about it. I asked them, "How many believed me." None would really answer. Their response was, "That is irrelevant right now. This is not a trial. We are here to find out what you want to do about this situation." I, feeling like they didn't believe me anyway, and fearful I didn't have enough evidence to prove my case said, "I want him to get counseling." I wanted that in hopes it would change him and he wouldn't harm another child. They asked me several questions. I felt like I was on trial. One question that really sticks out in my mind is, "How are you going to prove that this happened?" I froze, because I felt I knew they didn't believe me and I couldn't think of any way to prove. I was so young, what did I know how to do such things? The one thing that made me the angriest was my dad had taped all our phone conversations, and never mentioned them to me or anyone else until a year or so later. I thought it is too late to do anything about all of this now. Again, the guilt has haunted me for years, just knowing this, so called, man of the cloth might hurt someone else, only she would be hurt worse than me.

After reading some of these entries, I realized that most of you are right. I am not responsible for his or my dads' actions, only mine. I did what I could do with the knowledge I had at the time. I felt I did all I could do. I even went with the advice of the assistant pastor of the Church. I also realized that even if he was convicted, who is to say that when he was released that he wouldn't do it again to someone? Putting predators away usually just stop them for a little while. They don't stop at that. My biological father molested my sister and myself and only got 2 yrs. in the pen. After his release he continued his old habits. Years later, he found us again. I can only speak for myself, but he began to 'rape' me over and over for a few more years to come. I didn't know what to do. The thought never crossed my mind to turn him in, because I felt I was just as much at fault as he was. Actually in almost all of my 'rapes' I felt like I asked for it to happen. I must admit, I still do sometimes.

[blondie2002]

I'd like to think that I'm not responsible if my 1st 2 abusers did it agian, because I was too young to speak up in the first place! :bawling:/> blondie24

[TolbyBEAR]

 blondie24, on Oct 18 2007, 06:24 AM, said:

I'd like to think that I'm not responsible if my 1st 2 abusers did it agian, because I was too young to speak up in the first place! :bawling:/> blondie24

Hun, that is what we are trying to say here. You are definitely not responsible at all. Being too young to speak brings no fault to you at all, actually whether you were too young or not, if they decide to do this again then they are responsible for their own action. You just need to comfort that child within, hun.

[Frailty]

It happened when I was very young. My parents went to the police and it was documented but they felt were shouldn't proceed because I was very young and didn't have the vocabulary to go into intimate details.
When I was 13 I got very sick with anorexia and my parents thought the reason I kept getting sick was because I didn't have "closure" so they tried to reopen the case. When the proceedings were moving on I stopped eating completely and ended up in the ICU with heart and kidney damage. After that I kept relapsing over and over and went in and out of hospitals for 6 years.
My T tells me now that the only way I could get my family and the police to listen to me was to stop eating. I did want justice but I was still very young (I mean 13 I was still in elementry school) but I was very scared. That was the only way I could at the time get the message across that I didn't want to do this - even if I couldn't just say the words.
All my T said it wasn't my fault. That I was young and shouldn't expect so much from myself. That I was very sick and understandable terrified. Thats proceeding with the case wouldn't necessarily deter him from doing it again....but that doesn't always make me feel any better.

[little_miss_cliche]

I didn't report it either simply because there was too much going against me for it to ever get any further than being a statement at the bottom of a huge paper pile and I was scared. I understand the guilty feeling, but we are sometimes only strong enough to do so much.

[flower]

I still feel guilty.