Day 79: Not Strong Enough for Hostility
Work was intense today. So, tonight I have only a little fuel for healing work. My guts decided to be painful today. I can't help but wonder if the revelations from yesterday are expressing themselves as abdominal pain. Even though it's pain, it's not terrible; and it's not nausea. This feels like meaningful progress.
I didn't sleep quite as well last night as the previous few nights. But, still it was decent sleep. I'm feeling tired this evening. And, because I actually feel tired, I feel hopeful that I'll sleep decently again tonight. When I have insomnia I don't feel tired until many hours after bedtime (or not even until several hours after I would normally get up for the day).
I left work an hour early today because I was worn out. I didn't feel guilty about it or hesitate with concern about the reactions of others. The people I work with don't throw that kind of angry judgment at me, as happened at my previous workplaces. In fact, they only had supportive things to say as I left. When I pursued this job my number one motivation was to find a place that had kindness as a core value - and actually lived that core value. I decided I wanted to work someplace where the people really cared about one another. I decided I would not work anywhere again that was hostile and emotionally violent.
Based on yesterday's learning I am beginning to see movement in the direction of believing I need kindness. I searched for the job because I thought I was 'craving' kindness. I thought I was unable to continue working in hostile places. I had no more strength left for the fight, or wasn't strong enough for 'normal' work settings. I had come to view hostile work settings as normal, probably because my whole life had been hostile. I just assumed hostility was everywhere.
All in all, I think things are going pretty well this week. I am tired and experiencing abdominal discomfort - and I'm slowly learning to accept and value my needs.