I'm not trying to project, or forecast how I will feel when tomorrow actually arrives, but today has not been good.
It's like this flood of memories, like a tape playing over and over.
That night. Tomorrow night.
24 years ago tomorrow night is the night that the man in the Navy orally raped me behind the gym.
Most of how I feel is anxiety. Remnants of fear from that night.
Not only do I remember what happened, and am trying to deal with it playing out in my mind. But also, it's like the feel of the night air is plastered to my skin. The smells of that night air are heavy in my nostrils.
Mixed with the smells of musk cologne and sweat.
How can it be, that after 24 years, his words are so clear to me, like they are being spoken in the here and now. How can it be that I can remember his voice. The anger in his voice. The violence, the lack of any kind of human feeling, in his voice. The fear that his voice and his words evoked inside of me.
How can all of that still be there, just like it was happening now.
How can I still remember how he hurt me physically. How it felt. How it can feel, at times, like it's all happening now.
How can I remember that taste sometimes. Those particular words he spoke. I bet you like my taste.
How come I haven't vomited yet?
I wish I could rewind. Go back. Be bold enough to feel the anger back then that I feel now. Because if I could, if I did and had felt that anger, maybe he would have been found in the morning with his head ripped off.
And on top of all of this, to just add to my anxiety, my doctor's nurse called me today to tell me I've had an abnormal pap test result. She assures me that it's nothing.
My sense of doom tells me otherwise.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe some sunshine and something good.