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Wednesday makes one year since he first touched me. Last night somehow it really hit me again. I felt stupid and broken. It blows my mind how I could've let him do that. He touched me. I said no. He didn't respect that and he kept going. I invited him back. This continued for a month. It took my mentor saying "then you'll be back here complaining to me that your "boyfriend" keeps trying to rape you" to make me see how wrong it was. What kind of idiot...
My episode last night started with a flashback. It wasn't a full one. I just could feel him touching me when I was standing by the microwave just like that first day. I cried out and fell down on my knees in an attempt to fight it off (the sound of my own voice, which was never heard while he touched me, and the pain of my knees hitting the hardwood floor). Our three ten week old kittens were at the water dish, and they tripped over each other getting to me. It was so adorable and I felt so loved I just started crying. I scooped them up and felt their fur and it brought me back completely. I went to my room and they followed me. I laid down on my bed and started sobbing and texted my two best friends.
Moxi's best comforts- "Babe. You're not broken in any way. You were pushed into something you didn't want and didn't know how to defend yourself from. But he's gone now, for good... A year has gone by, and you've improved your life despite it. He's still a scumbag. <3"
"...he did more than touch you, he manipulated you."
"...losing you once sucked, but we reunited. We can't do that if you're dead. <3 i don't know what else to say to you, love. I know it wasn't your fault. I don't think you should beat yourself up for it."
Nights like last night make me feel so grateful for her.
I still feel subdued. I didn't sleep well last night. Moxi calmed me down, but I'm still silently beating myself up. I just... I'm at a loss.
I'm really glad my partner's still recovering from his surgery. Not glad that he's in pain, but... you know... it's good timing. This way I'm not letting him down by freaking out anytime anyone touches me.
My episode last night started with a flashback. It wasn't a full one. I just could feel him touching me when I was standing by the microwave just like that first day. I cried out and fell down on my knees in an attempt to fight it off (the sound of my own voice, which was never heard while he touched me, and the pain of my knees hitting the hardwood floor). Our three ten week old kittens were at the water dish, and they tripped over each other getting to me. It was so adorable and I felt so loved I just started crying. I scooped them up and felt their fur and it brought me back completely. I went to my room and they followed me. I laid down on my bed and started sobbing and texted my two best friends.
Moxi's best comforts- "Babe. You're not broken in any way. You were pushed into something you didn't want and didn't know how to defend yourself from. But he's gone now, for good... A year has gone by, and you've improved your life despite it. He's still a scumbag. <3"
"...he did more than touch you, he manipulated you."
"...losing you once sucked, but we reunited. We can't do that if you're dead. <3 i don't know what else to say to you, love. I know it wasn't your fault. I don't think you should beat yourself up for it."
Nights like last night make me feel so grateful for her.
I still feel subdued. I didn't sleep well last night. Moxi calmed me down, but I'm still silently beating myself up. I just... I'm at a loss.
I'm really glad my partner's still recovering from his surgery. Not glad that he's in pain, but... you know... it's good timing. This way I'm not letting him down by freaking out anytime anyone touches me.
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