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Tonight, I am here, surrounded by blankets, in pajama pants. With my front door locked. Lights out-even though I am afraid of the dark, and tv on so I don't hear his voice. I am lying slightly propped up and my abdomen is killing me. I keep holding in instead of going to the bathroom to relieve myself. I can't do that anymore-I keep myself in pain. I tried to the other day and screamed and screamed. When I finished, I was shaking sweating and out of breath. I know it is gross, and embarrasing.
Thanksgiving was awful. A lot of the food had white bases- I couldn't eat them. I try to be strong. Women don't choke and gag food down. They don't gag at the thought of body parts. They wash themselves in the tub instead of soaking for 5 minutes then getting out. Thier water isn't scalding.
I cant do things other women do. I cant even think about normal male/female relationships. I have a friend and we kiss but nothing more serious than that. Will I ever get pst this? I wanna scar myself, chop and burn-which is why my waters so hot. It never works. Never goes away.
Thanksgiving was awful. A lot of the food had white bases- I couldn't eat them. I try to be strong. Women don't choke and gag food down. They don't gag at the thought of body parts. They wash themselves in the tub instead of soaking for 5 minutes then getting out. Thier water isn't scalding.
I cant do things other women do. I cant even think about normal male/female relationships. I have a friend and we kiss but nothing more serious than that. Will I ever get pst this? I wanna scar myself, chop and burn-which is why my waters so hot. It never works. Never goes away.
Tags: gag, scalding water, feel clean, fear, shame, frusterated
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About my blog
This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
