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It started off okay. I dealt with beatings and near broken bones, dealt with threats and knives to my throat, things thrown at me and ridicule, neglect, and abandonment. But to have the sexual abuse start up again, and this time as more than before, I didnt know what to do. I was in despair, whereas before I felt things would get better. I now had to try to rely on a system that waited until it was way too late.
I was 10 and I think what started first when I was ten was my mother's part. I was in the bathroom trying to take a shower and i locked the door but my mother unlocked it with a butterknife. She said I wasnt allowed to lock the door and thats why she used the butterknife. But since I was in the shower and close to "becoming a young lady" she said she needed to teach me to properly wash. I was 10; I knew how to wash my body. So I told her no, that i already knew how to wash and didnt need her help, but she wouldnt listen. She pulled the curtain open and got in. She started to wash my body with her hands, paying particular care to my breasts and my private. I tried to push her away, and I tried to get her to leave me alone, but she wouldnt. It hurt badly,
and she was taking a very long time. I felt so disgusting. I felt ashamed and didn't know what was going on. I didnt know what to say, and couldnt tell anyone because it was my mother. My mother. Female-female. I didnt understand what was going on and didnt even think anyone would believe me because even when they did believe me they didnt do anything to stop them and they just made it worse.
Then came the man who was soon to be my stepfather. He began like any other "normal" sex offender. The usual molestation and rapes. The threatening and belittling. Telling me I wouldnt tell because I didnt tell about the other things in my past. Just like my mother told me when she hurt me. He and my mother took their turns unknowingly at first that each were hurting me. Each would molest and rape me in their own ways. Then they added objects and other things into it. My mother told me she was doing it to prepare me for the men in my life. I guess that was her excuse.
It was when they found out about each other's sexual abuse of me that they began to once in a while sexually assault me as a team. They would use objects and hold me down, my mother would be doing one thing while my stepfather would be doing another. They would make me do sexual things to them, threatening my life. At that time i still had faith in DHHS, so I didn't want to die. But when I did, they used my protective instincts for my sister against me. They would threaten they would harm my sister worse than my while i would have to watch if i didnt do what they told me.
It then progressed to have a religous aspect to the assaults. At first they would just recite words out of the bible and explain to me how it pertained to the assaults, how they weren't hurting me and how it was all my fault and I deserved it all. But soon after they would be reciting the words as they assaulted me, with incense burning in the background and a fairly large crucifix put to my head. One would hold me down and recite the words as the other assaulted me. Then came the christian songs, and them twisting it to fit what they did and justify it. They would call me a devil, devils child, evil spawn of satan, undeserving of good, selfish, nasty swearwords like s*ut, b**ch, w**re, good for nothing but sex, etc. I would have to listen to a lot of this even when they werent sexually assaulting me. They tried to kill me a great deal of times and only made me live so they could continue to punish me.
I would try to be good, clean, cook, do their errands, babysit, and so many other things, but i was never good enough. I tried to do well in school, tried so hard, but no matter what i was only recognized when i stood up for myself in school but aggressively, or accidentally hurt my sister or was blamed for something i didnt do. I could do no right. Whatever bad happened was always my fault even if it was completely unrelated and impossible for it to truly be my fault.
I would be crying and begging them to stop, wondering what I was doing so bad to have all of it happening to me. I didnt understand why I wasnt being helped even though they knew what i told them. I didnt understand why dhhs was leaving me to all of this even though they had been involved in my life for a very long time. I thought there mustve really been something wrong with me to have all this happening to me and nobody who wanted to help me. I didnt understand why I was so bad and didnt ever want to be on the face of the earth. I remembered back to when I was two and I wished I hadnt been born but I wished it even more so then than i did as a two year old. I didnt think things would ever get better and thought the world would be better off without me, just like they would always tell me.
I frequently went to my neighbor's house to escape. The ones I escaped to were wonderful great people but they couldnt care for me as often as they were.
By that point my alters were pretty clearly around. I didnt know what they were until much later in my years. I knew they were my friends and my allies; my only allies at the time, because even at school i was an outcast and treated badly.
It was my 6th time at Halifax house that changed everything for me.
0 Comments On This Entry
From the time I was 10 until the time I was 13 & 3/4
on Jun 30 2010 04:53 PM
from the time I was 8 until 10 years
on Jun 27 2010 05:09 PM
from the time I was two years until 8 years
on Jun 27 2010 04:59 PM
When it all started
on Jun 26 2010 03:23 PM
trying to stay sane
on Jun 26 2010 02:17 PM