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Posted by Tsuena , 19 August 2013 · 49 views

So I have faint, hazy memories of writing something last night, tipsy, hazy and not really very me. Except the self-criticism. That was me. As ever. What did I do with that blog post? Don't remember. I clearly decided not to carry on writing it. Hmm, shocking.

Anyway. I need to go back to counselling. I'm noticing a definite trend in levels of anxiety when I haven't been for a while. It's been... at least six weeks now. I'm a bit of a wreck. A very hazy wreck. (Still can't bring myself to call it dissociating, not when some of you turned yourself into multiple people through dissociating. I know there's a spectrum, I know. But still. 'Hazy' will do.) Unfortunately, I'll have to re-register myself or something. I don't know why. More trauma for their patients, I guess.

Last time I ended up not going to counselling for four weeks (I kept oversleeping, because I'm a horrible human being), I started getting massive adrenaline rushes. I don't really know at what point it counts as an anxiety attack, but I tend to just get... underlying fear. I feel like I'm constantly on edge. That feeling like you've just nearly fallen and caught yourself. Everything a bit shaky, everything alert but hazy at the same time. Adrenaline rushes down the back of my neck, sometimes through my feet, for some weird reason. The exact same feeling I get if I've just nearly fallen down the stairs, or something.

Definite link to not going to counselling. I don't know if it'd get better in time. To be honest, I don't really want to find out. I don't know if counselling helps, but I know that I feel like I deserve it. Perhaps that's it. I'm increasingly wondering how much of everything I feel is an overload of the past nine years of growing depression and self-hate, finally feeling like it's valid because something happened to me, something mattered. I don't know. I don't like thinking about it. It makes me feel petty and overdramatic.

(It also makes the so-called 'validity' of my feelings tip in the balance whenever I question in my head if what happened to me really was rape. And that happens a lot. I know I moan a lot about it, but right this second, I'm so glad my head has such incredible automatic defences, or I think I'd have crashed several times by now.)

Geez, this is very stream-of-consciousy today, isn't it? Well, at least whoever reads this crap can see the ridiculous extent to which I self-analyse.

Back to the point, wherever it went. I need to go back to counselling (or I at least want to).

Problem 1) I need to decide whether to go back to the same counsellor, who I didn't like or trust all that much.

Problem 1a) If not, I need to decide whether to go to the same crisis centre who only seem to have volunteer counsellors, and whether this is a problem, and whether I'd do better with someone who might be able to do more than just listen to me self-analysing.

Problem 1ai) If not, I need to go to my doctors and get referred. Or self-refer, I guess, however that works. Probably better. I hate my GP. She called me fat and lazy when I'd been comfort eating from being sexually assaulted, the bitch.

Either way, I need to pick up a phone. I hate phones. I hate hate hate phones.

Well this was originally gonna be a list of things I need to talk to my counsellor about, but I might save that for later. I hadn't even quite registered how to solve the extended problem above. I guess I need to do that... waiting lists seem to be long in this part of the country. Sigh.

To anyone who actually reads this crap, I love you for it. Come say hi, just so I can hug you.

Geez, I sound a little bit frazzled today. Gonna go... fry my head or something. Bleurgh.

July 2014

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