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what are you supposed to say?

Posted by tamz , 09 May 2010 · 20 views


What the heck are you supposed to say? No! No, I'm not okay. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see his naked body and I feel him on top of me. I feel him... touching me... moving his hand down... or up... I feel his tongue inside my mouth... I feel myself trying feabily to push him in a half hearted attempt to get him off... I feel the fear, the hurt, the desperately trying to fight back the tears. Or I see him, sat at the end of the bed, naked, just looking at me. And I don't know what to think. I hear him breathing deeply and I have no idea what he's thinking. Is he finished, has he realised what he's done, did he even do anything wrong? I don't know what to think. Or I see him, the guy who is supposed to love me, on top of me, asking me if I'm okay. He knows I'm not, but he asks anyway. And I see myself telling him it's fine, whilst fighting back the tears, the pain is so bad and he knows that, but he doesn't care. I know that if I say no I'm not okay, he'll tell me I don't love him, accuse me of getting it from somewhere else.

And my heart pounds against my chest. I feel scared, upset, hurt, vulnerable and alone. I feel like I have no one to turn to. No one who'll understand what I am going through. I feel like I'm losing control of everything. And so I open my eyes. And it's still there. I can still see his face, but it's in the distance now, it's not so prominent. But my heart still pounds against my chest, I still feel those feelings. I still feel scared and sometimes angry, angry with every little thing going wrong, angry with the way I am still feeling, angry with him. And I know that as soon as I close my eyes again, the images will come back. There's no escaping it. Even in my dreams he's there.

Is that what you want me to say? Do you really want me to tell you all this? Because this is how I feel, every day, every second of my life. Or are you more content with me lying, with me telling you that everything is okay?

content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

December 2014

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