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That is something that someone who once cared about me said upon seeing a picture of me. In this picture was a smiling teenager who was at the time separated from abuse. This girl had lingering emotional and mental baggage from the things that had been perpetrated upon her. This girl also managed to find reasons to smile and be hopeful for the future. I miss that girl too.
This morning I was going through one of my flash drives with music videos on it. This was not an old flash drive like the picture that I was referring to. These songs were placed on there only a few months back. I could not bring myself to watch them. These videos featured themes of caring, hope, and change. These are the things that I just can't fathom.
I could not watch videos that I gained a measure of comfort from so recently. I was struggling mightily then as well, the difference was that I still was able to connect with the idea of hope and basic goodness of people. I had a kernel of hope left in me that one day that it might get better, that someone did care enough save me if I were drowning.
Now, I feel that I really only have one thing left to do before I am ready to be finished with this hellish existence. I want to tell my truth. I want to be able to speak all of it that I feel that I need to and have been unable to or not allowed to before now.
So many people in my life have not allowed me to speak of the truth. So many people have discounted the truth in different ways because it doesn't fit with what or whom they believe me to be; Others simply need to see what they see in order to find their own (in)actions palatable.
I have been approached on a few occasions about writing my story. Some have and others want to write about things that I have endured or witnessed. I have always simply not even wanted to consider it. Now, I feel that it is something that I have to do. If I leave nothing in this world, I want to leave the truth.
That smiling and hopeful girl in the picture is gone forever. The truth will always be-- whether it is acknowledged or not.