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Posted by loimprevisto , 13 February 2013 · 34 views

I talked to my therapist about a big secret... something that I thought I would never share with another person. It took me a long time to get it out... there were a lot of false starts and about half an hour of mostly silence where I alternated between hyperventalting and shaking and taking deep breaths and trying to force it out. Several times I started with "I...." and couldn't say any more. It is what I consider to be the single most shameful part of my past. When I finally managed to say it, I was stunned. I couldn't say much for the rest of the session, just nodding and saying a few words when directly prompted.

So he did most of the talking. He told me that I was very brave for managing to share that and how he was honored that I trusted him enough to disclose it to him. He was accepting, non-judgemental, and validating... and we bumped my therapy sessions up to twice a week.

Now I'm feeling raw. Exposed. Vulnerable. He said that he expected I would feel a lot of relief, and in some ways I have. One of the people I work with is very observant and asked me if I was OK. I told him I was not feeling okay but couldn't talk about it and he wished me well and provided some pleasant encouragement throughout the day. At one point I admitted that I often forced myself to smile when I'm not feeling happy, but I was trying to be more honest with myself now. He told me that he'd noticed me smiling more often that I should and just noted that it was weird to see me "not wearing my usual mask". I guess that's progress?

He's offered to talk about it with me... I've been kind of cagey and haven't said more than that it's "childhood stuff" bothering me from a recent therapy session. The idea of telling someone in my 'real life' (as opposed to Pandys or therapy) about the CSA is daunting, but also so tempting... I'm trying to figure out whether I'm ready for it.

Well done for trying to speak.... Our secrets have such a hold over us when they are kept as secrets. You are very brave. Keep at this - you will get through it. Little steps...

August 2014

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