Which is worse?
The fact that I gave in and SI'ed last night?
Or how I think Dr K will see it?
I gave in to my urges last night, and SI'ed. Not badly, though. I have been having urges again today. And I know that it's like an addiction. But right now, I don't care. What I did last night gave me relief. Today hasn't been good, but it's been a little more bearable. I can't help but equate that to what I did last night.
I am torn about telling Dr K. There is a part of me that knows I should. But I don't want her to throw me in the hospital. We have talked about me letting her know if I don't feel safe leaving the VA, and to her that includes if I think I can't keep myself from SI'ing. We have kind of talked around the idea of options. But I think from the way she has said that, she is thinking of throwing me in the hospital. And I just get the feeling that she thinks that if I was going to SI, or if I did SI, in her mind that would justify putting me inpatient.
The last thing I want is to be inpatient.
She does know I've been having urges. She also knows I've been thinking about suicide. And she knows I have a specific plan.
I have been thinking about suicide. But for now, I don't plan on acting on it.
Tonight, I feel safe.
And when I say that, safety doesn't rule out my SI'ing again. I don't see my SI'ing as being unsafe.
I guess I'll just take things as they come. My depression, anxiety, and anger have been bad. Especially my depression and my anger. But what's different tonight from how I've felt the past three weeks? Not much.