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You didn't report it... Are you responsible if he does it again?
Posted 06 January 2004 - 10:49 AM
Now I wonder. what would have happened? what became of those ppl and who have they hurt? one died (drug od) one I see from time to time and the other 2 I have no idea.
I don't feel too bad about the three things that happened when I was under 18. But the one that happened when I was 18 bothers me. It's not a sense of guilt but that I would have had a good case. If someone would have told me and been there with me...
I don't know.
Posted 08 January 2004 - 03:05 AM
reason it is my responsibility is it is likely he does not know what he does, that he has a split personality and the kind caring guy has no awareness of the actions of the rapist....therefore he can't stop himself, also he carries a deadly virus he may not know he has, as i am the one that knows it is my job to make sure he knows and that he doens't transmit it to anyone else....wow, i'm really selfish not to press charges
Posted 12 February 2004 - 06:17 PM
After this, there was still no conviction.
I have felt much the same guilt over not getting him convicted as it sounds like others have over not reporting.
So, I would say that it probably doesn't matter whether you report or not, and I heartily agree with the statement that we are _not_ responsible for anything the rapist may do.
Even if he were convicted, he could hurt people after his release.
I think that this sort of guilt is a way of feeling like I have some sort of control over what happens? But in this case, there is no control, no responsibility, and no fault. And there should be no guilt (still trying on that one)
Posted 12 February 2004 - 07:24 PM
Posted 14 February 2004 - 03:02 PM
WE ARE NOT AT FAULT! WE CANT BE THE BLAME!
Posted 02 October 2004 - 03:10 AM
I was raped by a stranger at 13. He tortured me for 4 hours and then let me go. I didn't tell anyone for 5 years.
Not a day goes by that I do not worry that he doing the same thing to some other child, stealing someone else's innocence. Because I didn;t remember the rape until about a year after, the statute of limitations has not lapsed on my rape. However I do not know if I could file a report now. I know that the police would have a hard time beleiving me, especially since I have no description of the rapist and all of the physical evidence is gone. Even the scars are finally fading....
Still, I wish now that I had the strength then to report what had happened. I feel weak because I didn;t try to get that animal off of the streets. And what frightens me the most is the fact that I still occasionally have thoughts about how horrible someone must have been to him for him to have that kind of hateful capacity inside.
Posted 02 October 2004 - 05:16 AM
I hate being caught between what I know and what I feel.
Posted 10 October 2004 - 05:14 PM
drunk/under the influence of drugs
a child at the time (under 18)
threatened by the abuser either by way of threatening physical retaliation or denial of a place to live etc
protecting someone or something (a child, relative, friend, pet etc)
You were not responsible for what happened. These are cases where someone in a position of power took that and abused it. **There are many other instances in which you were unable to give consent but these are a few. ***
Posted 08 January 2005 - 11:17 AM
I know I could never get him convicted - I was drunk, and it would be my word against his. Terrible as this sounds, I don't honestly think he would do it again, for various reasons, and so reporting it would be more me out for justice for what he did than concern for other people.
Posted 08 January 2005 - 07:10 PM
Posted 13 August 2005 - 04:55 AM
Society doesn't seem to feel very responsible for the healing of victims.
Why should victims feel responsible to protect society from someone, if society doesn't seem to care anyway?
Besides..... if you report, would that really protect anyone?
Why can't society just find a way to protect people without the use of victims.....
Posted 13 August 2005 - 11:51 AM
None of this makes me feel less responsible if they continue to offend. I think I did what I had to do at the time, dealing with the ra*ists and the last perpetrator, just to survive and protect myself in the midst of all the other turmoil in my life.
I still struggle with all of it, I really do.
I don't feel survivors should have the near sole burden of proof as far as prosecution of the assailants.
It should not fill survivors' consciences with guilt and shame for not reporting or pressing charges when it is the perpetrators' decisions and lack of self-control that lead them to offend. Several similar examples come to mind that would involve other types of crimes where the victims are not held socially responsible if the offender repeatedly commits the same crimes.
That's just my experience and opinion.
Posted 14 August 2005 - 04:09 AM
My Abuse goes all the way back to childhood. Does anyone really believe that as a toddler I was responsible for reporting my step/father for beating and raping me. Wasn't it the schools responsibility to see the signs and if they suspected anything to report on my behalf. Why didn't they. I missed more days at school than were allowed. I had to take special classes with a special tutor to make up those lost days in order to have enough "days" in attendance to advance to the next grade level. One year in school, young elementary school, I had to be sent home because I was bleeding, I had bled through my undergarments and then through my jeans. Didn't anyone suspect that something might not be right. I wasn't anywhere near the age of puberty. But no one said anything. When I was 13 and I overdosed at school, someone finally said something. But not about my family...about me...they did bring cps into the situation. A week later on the way to church my father got off on one of his rants telling me what a horrible awful person I was. He pulled over in a deserted park and raped me...and then threw my clothes at me and told me to clean myself up. He took me to church, but he told me to stay in the car...he was going in to tell Tim (the youth minister) that I wasn't the person he thought I was and I didn't deserve to be in the discipleship group. I didn't stay in the car. I ran into the church and hid...I hid under the kitchen sink in the basement...and I just cryed. A Few hours later Barb (Tims wife found me). She called my parents and told them I was safe. She actually picked up the phone and called CPS and report my father. We were sent before family court. I tried to talk...but one look from my father shut me up quickly...I was still punished severly because not only did he have to be there, but because he knew I had considered telling. We left court that day with an order for family counseling. He took me home and violently raped and beat me. I missed the next week of school. I never talked again. When I was 14, I found out I was pregnant. I was sent to live out of state. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 15. No one asked who the father was. He birth certificate says "father unknown"...but no one ever asked. I gave her up for adoption. I never said another word, until after I moved out of my fathers house. At that point I reported my father for physically abusing my sisters. The night before the hearing approached...and I couldn't do it...I overdosed and almost succeeded. But my sister did testify...she was 12...she spoke about the daily beating they received from my father. Absolutely nothing was done. Under the guise of insufficient evidence WTF??? they sent my sisters back home to live with my parents, where she was horribly beaten. She never talked again. Since when is the testimony of a 12 year old girl that she is being abused insufficient evidence.
Does this give any perspective on the whole "Am I guilty if I report idea?" In so many situations, reporting not only doesn't stop the abuse, but angers the abuser and escalates it.
So when I was raped in college, it never even occured to me to report it. I woke up the next morning on the boat out in the middle of the ocean. I had black, blue and purple marks on my neck. Why didn't anyone ask? Or did they all know...and no one wanted to talk about it? As soon as we pulled into port to get fuel, I got off the vessel and refused to get back on. A friend of mine came and got me. He dropped me off at his house. Told me I was free to use the shower and sleep in his bed as he would be spending the night with his girlfriend. I showered, but I didn't sleep. I finally got up and started driving home. I did tell two people that R* has been quite inappropriate and had not wanted to take no for an answer. For me that was as close to reporting as I thought I would ever come. Until the fateful day I found out I was pregnant. I talked to the police, they said the case would be impossible to prove because at this point their was no physical evidence to prove it wasn't conscensual. So I went on with my life. Until he started stalking me. Then I reported and then they caught him. He plead out...no trial...no jail time...3 years probation...3 year restraining order. That was my big success for the hell he put me through. He was fired from his job because he admitted to having sex with me, but claimed it was conscensual. It didn't matter, sex of any sort on DNR vessel in grounds for immediate termination. But did anything I did, stop either of my abusers from continuing to abuse. Nope. I went through all that hell for nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, I did get my protective order. But that didn't protect anyone else. At least getting him fired took him out of the position of being in charge of interns.
I guess I just have a jaded look on our whole justice system. Those who should have reported for me when I was little didn't. And those who did, were for the most part ignored. When I finally reported and my sister testified, nothing was done. And pressing charges against my rapist got him fired and probation.
So it was all for nothing...it accomplished nothing!
Am I responsible if he goes on to rape someone else. No the system that is set up to protect the criminal along with the criminal himself is responsible.
He chose to commit the first crime...if he chooses to rape again...it will be his decision again...and it will be the systems fault for allowing him to go free.
Posted 13 November 2005 - 10:01 PM
I agree with this. I've known over a dozen women in real life over the years who've dealt with rape or CSA, and the only one who went to the police was also the only one who dealt with a stranger rape - and that choice was sort of made for her. the cops got there while she was still unconscious. I admire women who go to the police immensely - whatever the results - but I've never made that choice myself. Well, okay, once where the perp was a stranger, for a minor event (public masturbation combined with sexual harrassment), that I guess in some states is considered SA. But not on the serious stuff.
In terms of the adult events, I did challenge the guys personally - didn't call the events rape but did call them wrong. One guy felt bad from the git go, and called the event a rape before I did; the other one didn't see where he'd done anything wrong so I eventually switched tactics and pointed out that if I got pregnant, wasn't getting an abortion and you better believe I'd be hitting him up for the cash to raise the kid.... Plus I made a big scene, which he hates, and I know it's the first time he pulled that sort of thing so I think the payoff was sour enough he didn't pull it again. :P/>
I frankly feel if society won't hold these guys responsible - and it pretty much doesn't - it's wrong of anyone to think the person who was raped has a responsibility to do so. We are responsible for our own actions, not theirs.
This post has been edited by Shalom: 13 November 2005 - 10:02 PM
Posted 13 November 2005 - 10:51 PM
I have gotten a lot of the "but what will he do if you dont report it to someone else" from a friend of mine, and i just keep telling her I DONT KNOW! But he is out of my life and I have all I can do right now to get my life together I can't be thinking about what he may or may not do.
She thinks you report it he goes to jail. If only it were that easy! It is a long drawn out process and in most cases we just get "raped" again by the justice system.
Bottom line we all need to do what we need to do to heal and make ourselves whole again. I refuse to take responsibility for his actions. I had no control over him when he did it to me, so how can I possibly have control over what he does to someone else?
((((pandy members)))) I admire all of you who have pushed the legal process! God knows it takes more strength then I have right now! It takes all of my strength to get out of bed every morning and drag myself into work.