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Hoping to find the answers...

Posted by Newstart87 , 26 January 2012 · 76 views

I am in no way where I thought I would be today, I always see myself doing so much better than I am, hoping to find answers under a rock is what i seem to be looking for. I just don't get it, I don't get whats wrong with me. Why do I do the things I do why cant I just let the past be the past and move on?? What happened to me wasnt right but I don't know why it is getting worse as I seem to get older and I am always looking for answers, always wanting to know why it happened or why cant I be mad at the person that did this to me, but it seems I may never get that answer the one answer that I want more than anything. Why cant I hate him?? I know it may not be right to post more than once a day but I cant keep doing this I cant keep destroying my relationship because I wont get help because I wont just get "over" it or move on. I just want to be able to live a day without feeling the way I do or seeing some sort of flashback. So how do you find answers when you wont ask questions? You cant , You cant get answers because no one knows how to answer a question that hasn't been asked yet. Maybe its because I have only told a select few what really happened but I know, I know that if it ever got out it would ruin my family it would ruin everything; everything I have been trying to build back up ever since I came out to my family trying to rebuild what little connection we had, but is it worth it?? Is it worth me sitting back and enduring the pain by myself? These questions may never have answers, it is a reality that I may never get the answers that I am looking for because I am always protecting the ones that hurt me whether it be a abuser or a friend that stabs me in the back I always go to their side I always try to protect them because maybe that's what I want I want someone to protect me but have never had that. I am just now starting to try and get help , trying to find groups and counselors to talk to but what if someone in my family was to find out that I was trying to seek help would that stop me? could I find a way around them and still continue on my way to seeking the help I need? That I cant answer the one question I should be able to and I cant. I just wish I knew what to do; wish I knew what the answers were but it seems none of us ever really know all the answers do we?

-A



I hope this helps a bit...

Please remember that what happened to you will take time to heal from. It's not a simple matter of 'forgetting' it or 'moving on'. It's a process that is compared to the grieving process and everyone takes time to fully grieve and heal and everyone takes a different amount of time and may start in one part of the process while someone else may start in another. Part of this process is anger, but when you will experience it, I cannot say, just that as you heal, sooner or later, you'll feel it.
As for your emotions being stronger the older you get, from what you've written it sounds like you're starting to seek out help and ways to heal, so maybe when you were younger you weren't fully processing what had happened as well as the emotions that went with it, now that you're more active in healing more emotions are surfacing, and being felt and processed, so while it seems like it there's probably very little to do with age.
You will get to the point where flashbacks lessen and feelings change but again it's part of healing and it'll take time and work.
As for going to therapy and/or group without your family trying to stop you...I live with people who don't know and I tell them I'm meeting a friend for coffee/dinner/movie, maybe you could use a similar excuse?
It sounds like you've come quite a ways on your own, healing isn't easy and I encourage you to continue to seek help from an experienced professional. If you're in the u.s.a. I know that a crisis center can provide a list of some that are either compensated by the state, or at low cost to you.
The answers may not just appear to you, or they may hit you in an epiphany but don't stop seeking them.
I know that you have the strength to heal, but please remember that it doesn't happen over night for anyone, give yourself credit for coming this far and for being able to accept healing.
Take care of yourself.
You deserve to heal.
You deserve good.
((Safe hugs)) if wanted.
Thanks, it just gets frustrating sometimes. I am trying to do it and accept it just some days are better than others I guess. Thank you for replying though and safe hugs are ok :D

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