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Shit under the fingernails

Posted by EVH , 05 November 2013 · 487 views

Neuro assignment due today, 40%, and I'm staring at a blank page, not even one word. I feel drained. Empty. And yet my head is so full it hurts. Sleepless night. 5 coffees so far. I will never finish it on time. I won't finish it at all. I don't even know where to begin. I'm too fucking stupid to write this. All I can do right now is crying and throwing things.
Went for a run ignoring this fucking back pain, my knees and arm. I went for a run to find a place where no one can see me. Where no one can hear me. A place where I can just be. Thank God for Australian bushes. Found a nice tree and started hitting it. Over and over, screaming and crying, feeling lost and angry at myself. Who am I? What is wrong with me? I hate this. I hate my past, hate the flashbacks, hate having gaps in my memory, hate school, hate not being able to be a normal girl, talking, sharing, hate hurting the ones I love over and over again. I'm about to explode. I don't know how to stop this.
What I know is this. If you're sitting in a hole, stop digging. Or you'll end up with shit under your fingernails.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug::hug:  Learning how to think differently, perceive differently, is one of the hardest things in the world.  It's a marathon all on its own, this run to change our thoughts.  :blanket:

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