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It's been months since my husband and I had had sex, or really done anything sexual. He agreed to wait while I worked on some of my issues. He's done his best to be really understanding and give me the time I need to work on stuff but I know that it's really bothering him and every time we argue, it always comes up.
Initially, we decided just to work on kissing. I've never really enjoyed kissing him and in the past that's been one of the ways I've bonded with the guys I had relationships with. So we tried to work on that. We were able to get it to a point where I didn't dislike it, but I didn't like it either. I just haven't been feeling anything when I kiss him even though I've really been trying. I don't know what the problem is there.
About a month and a half ago, I decided things were just going too slowly so we decided to "fool around" a little bit. It was fun. Not as exciting and romantic as I'd hoped, but for the most part I enjoyed it. I only found it frustrating though because he didn't seem to be enjoying himself at all. So it felt like even if I was having fun, he wasn't, and anytime he had fun, I wasn't.
But the other day, I decided to say screw and just have sex with him. It was so awful! It hurt so much :(/> I was holding back tears the whole time. I tried thinking good things, but I just couldn't enjoy it. It wasn't until I let the "bad thoughts" get in my head that I could physically enjoy myself enough to ignore the pain while he finished. I ended up hiding in the bathroom afterwords and cried.
I just don't get it. I don't get why it hurts, but at least that's something I can go to the doctor for now that we have insurance. But I don't get why this isn't fun at all. I've had fun in the past with guys, so why can't I enjoy it with my husband?
I'm just so fed up. I'm at a point now where I don't even want sex or anything sexual at all. I just want to be left alone in that regard, but it's not like I can tell him. He's been very understanding but that's just asking way too much. I already know that if I do that, he's going to leave. So now I'm just trying to decide if I'm okay with that. A part of me really wants to be on my own, but I also like the security of having him despite all our problems. I just have absolutely no clue where to go from here :/
Initially, we decided just to work on kissing. I've never really enjoyed kissing him and in the past that's been one of the ways I've bonded with the guys I had relationships with. So we tried to work on that. We were able to get it to a point where I didn't dislike it, but I didn't like it either. I just haven't been feeling anything when I kiss him even though I've really been trying. I don't know what the problem is there.
About a month and a half ago, I decided things were just going too slowly so we decided to "fool around" a little bit. It was fun. Not as exciting and romantic as I'd hoped, but for the most part I enjoyed it. I only found it frustrating though because he didn't seem to be enjoying himself at all. So it felt like even if I was having fun, he wasn't, and anytime he had fun, I wasn't.
But the other day, I decided to say screw and just have sex with him. It was so awful! It hurt so much :(/> I was holding back tears the whole time. I tried thinking good things, but I just couldn't enjoy it. It wasn't until I let the "bad thoughts" get in my head that I could physically enjoy myself enough to ignore the pain while he finished. I ended up hiding in the bathroom afterwords and cried.
I just don't get it. I don't get why it hurts, but at least that's something I can go to the doctor for now that we have insurance. But I don't get why this isn't fun at all. I've had fun in the past with guys, so why can't I enjoy it with my husband?
I'm just so fed up. I'm at a point now where I don't even want sex or anything sexual at all. I just want to be left alone in that regard, but it's not like I can tell him. He's been very understanding but that's just asking way too much. I already know that if I do that, he's going to leave. So now I'm just trying to decide if I'm okay with that. A part of me really wants to be on my own, but I also like the security of having him despite all our problems. I just have absolutely no clue where to go from here :/
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