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~Will I Ever Find A Man To Love Me & Understand My SA?~

Posted by *Danielle1990* , 23 August 2011 · 98 views

i feel as thought i will never find a man to really love me for me, because it seems like all men really want is sex,,,and it's hard for me to accept that.
I want to have someone understand that when i tell them No--thats exsactly what i mean.
I feel like everytime I tell a guy i'm talking to or dating about the SA,,it just scares them away,but idk. =(
i really hate it when i tell people in general about my SA && they just stop talking to me in a whole..it really makes me feel asthough it is my fault that i'm screwed up :( :( :( :(
i wish i could think positive more,but it's hard....because of the SA and kinda in general,i'm a negative person,and i hate that about myself,because no one wants to have a pitty party with me lolz...haha

well thanks for listening,and i'm hoping to have some advice for me on here from you all..

thanks again.......

love you all,

Aug 23 2011 06:03 PM
I know how you feel. I don't discuss much of how I am, and really none about any of the abuse. If people don't want to hear about how I'm feeling, I figure they don't want to hear about the abuse.

And I struggle with the same feelings about men. I'm on my way to getting divorced, and my mother says I'll find someone. She doesn't understand that I don't want to. NOt even close to wanting to.

I can relate to what you're saying, but I'm sorry I don't really have any advice. But I do think it gets better over time. Hang in there, I know it isn't easy.
Aug 23 2011 09:53 PM
I know its hard to have a positive outlook when everything seems so negative. But I can also say that I believe there is someone for everyone. Try not looking and just let things happen as they may. Eventually there will be a person who will be your friend and will sweep you off your feet and be perfect in every way that you need them to be. As far as people not talking to you when you talk about the sa just know that you have people here you CAN talk to who will listen and not make assumptions or tear you down in any way but build you up and help you through this a most difficult time.

thoughts and prayers are with you,
Aug 23 2011 10:24 PM
I wish I had advice for you, but I feel the exact same for everything you said. I think the most positive thing I tell myself is that in this huge world, there are so many people, that statistically there is someone out there who would understand me and see my soul and think it's beautiful. My job is to just find them.
I know exactly what you mean about this... when I'm feeling down about it and feel like I'll never find someone that understands and respects my boundaries, I just think about the common belief that there is that one person for everyone--a person who will be supportive about your SA instead of scared by it. When someone is scared by it, it's also really important to remember that you aren't at fault, you aren't what's scaring them, it could be the idea of SI because a lot of people don't understand it all that much unless they've been through it. I know it's hard to be patient with this, but things will work out. All in all, you are a wonderful woman who any man would be lucky to support :hug:

Much love,
Hi Danielle

When I read what you put it transported me back to my own late teens and early twenties so I had to check how old you are. From what I can remember of that time I know I desperately wanted and needed someone to understand me, to accept me the way that I was, to be able to hear my story and not dissappear. I remember a sense of urgency as though it all should have happened yesterday, and looking forward always seemed to be too far away.

Advice? We all have to find our own way through our lives, what works for me is not necessarliy going to work for you. All I can say is that the worst thing I did was to isolate. You have some wonderful people around you on this site, make sure you reach out, and keep reaching out. Human contact has to be one thing that none of us can live without, even though we sometimes foolishly try to. Talk about your feelings, try not to judge them, just accept them for what they are and then try to understand them. You might like journalling, or talking to an empty chair (or shouting at times) you might like talking to god, or angels. Whatever helps you to process is great. If blogging is working, keep up the good work. If you want to talk to an old fart you can talk to me anytime you like and there are many many others on here.

I will stop waffling.

Remember, you are a great person, and you deserve to be happy.
whatever feelings you have, they will pass, it's lifes only constant that everything changes.
You will get there

Debbie :butterfly:
Aug 24 2011 07:18 AM
thanks ya'll..i really appreciate ur comments,they've really
helped me.

love ya'll bunches!! :hug:
Aug 28 2011 05:21 AM
hey danielle,
i get how you feel however hope you dont mind my honest opinion on this ok ? Now that I am understanding this myself I can look at this from a different perspective versus when I was your age and I wanted to tell (but I didnt) I never spoke up for years, plus at your age I was still being abused by family members. So telling wasnt going to help.

But I can say I felt this years later when I did begin to tell. Here is the thing, you want others to accept you exactly as you are, including the SA . Wanting others to accept you is important . To all of us no matter what age we are. And no matter how much we deny it we all want acceptance. You are very open and upfront about what you have experienced. However, ( this is the difficult part) not a lot of ppl want to hear it, or they arent mature enough to hear it or they have no understanding of SA. Please dont get me wrong I am NOT saying dont tell. But sadly with some people (not all) you can really find out who is there to stay through thick & thin at the same time I dont think that it means all friends or family are bad for you because they can not hear it. Its just hard to hear.

Taking into account that being younger I gather by what you share here you are trusting most everyone that you meet, whether it be friends, male or female and most if not all your boyfriends.My reference to age is only that I think when we are younger we "CAN" tend to think that everyone is to be trusted. Hey my own son I feel at times depending upon the situation trusts others thinking that everyone means well. What I meant by being young is that you havent had several years that you base your info upon. Hey my son I can argue about this point sometimes. I tell him that his decisions are based on him thinking (not saying this about you)and not knowing by experience. For example you said, " I feel like everytime I tell a guy i'm talking to or dating about the SA,,it just scares them away." Very true. They aren't necessarily mature enough to hear. WAIT-I dont mean you are too young to know anything, I mean that because you are young & your mention of boyfriends (being plural)& in telling most everyone you meet - each time you are telling in hopes that they will understand you. You trust that most all people will understand and you are having expectations that they will, you dont expect them to respond negatively. I dont either when I have done it myself.

You also said "i really hate it when i tell people in general about my SA & they just stop talking to me in a whole" I totally get the wanting others to know . But the sad truth is as I mention somewhat above, sometimes the sad truth is people dont want to hear the bad stuff. Not because they don't like you. You know how you tell someone sorry about what you said, or did, or someone wrongs you and their response as well as yours is , " its ok its all good." I think ppl say it because no one wants to talk about negative things. Or things that are a downer are hard for them to hear. Also our society in america has developed the attitude that anytime we want to discuss something or have had something bad happen to us it is "DRAMA". Of course then everyone tries to say, " oh I dont do drama" or "that person always has drama in their life". That is a joke because this is life, people have issues, people have disagreements, we are human we make mistakes. So that might seem off the topic but its really not. This is the same sort of thing. And definitely when it comes to guys it is very uncomfortable, whether they be the guys you date or "everytime I tell a guy i'm talking to" its even harder for most guys to hear let alone know what to say & how to support you.

I am NOT saying you are wrong but I think in time we learn to guard our heart, and are more selective in who we tell, and right now for you that might be a good idea, because it hurts you so much, their rejection of you telling them is painful. It legitimately hurts Danielle. We learn to be more selective because you are trusting people with a part of your life that is very important for you. It is important to any of us. I am not saying DO NOT tell your story. I am not telling you to hide your feelings. But you telling guys, well some guys dont mature as fast as others and certainly not as fast as you might be maturing. They might not be in a place to clearly understand how to process what you are telling them. If you are telling your boyfriends upfront then perhaps you can wait until you are further into the relationship until you trust them with something so important to you.

Many of us are learning what all of this means, we are learning how to take care of ourselves better, we are learning why things hurt us so deeply, we are learning what the negative effects of abuse has had on us, how our thought processes affect so many areas of our life in regards to what the abuse did to us mentally and emotionally. That being said, telling people that have no training or personal experience with abuse or no understanding because they have not had anyone close to them go through the same as you, is not seemingly helpful to you. Do you understand ? Does any of this make sense ? I hope that I am not upsetting you and that I am explaining this in a way you know I am trying to help. IF it isnt a help to you then delete this message ok ? I am hoping that you just learn to use caution in whom you tell, because this is something to not be taken lightly , what you went through isnt something that everyone can understand, and you telling them and then them rejecting what you have shared by ignoring you or completely walking away from you isnt helpful to you. In time you will learn who you are able to share with.

As far as telling any guy friend or anytime you date and the topic of sex comes up, you do NOT owe them anything. See that might be helpful to understand. You dont owe them an explanation that requires you to tell them personal information. They dont have to understand. If your NO is not good enough then its most likely they are NOT going to understand what you have been through. You dont owe ANYONE, your mom included an explanation. You share with whom you want to, AND those you know that can hear you while not judging you. Someone that cant hear it right now is not necessarily someone that doesnt care nor does it mean they arent your friend. Its just that not everyone has the maturity or understanding to support you in this area.

So hopefully this helps you a lot to know how important you are, that you deserve to have friends that can hear you and some day a boyfriend that is ready to be there for you. The right one will be there but it seems right now your focus is on healing and going to school. The right person will come in time. You wont need to feel the urgency to tell every guy you meet. Hey not every guy you meet is worth knowing something so personal. While you dont need to have shame in telling , you also dont have to tell everyone you meet. I felt that way for a long time. In fact even recently I had gone through a struggle to say if someone loves me, if someone truly cares about me, they will accept everything about me. The truth is , some of them arent worth telling. And yeah I feel - if they dont want to hear my story, then they arent my real friend. However the truth is, I dont want them all to know, I dont need to tell everyone in order to have their acceptance. I struggle with it too, but its a process to learn who to tell and when to tell.

I have said a lot, so I am hoping it wasn't too much or too overwhelming nor too repetitive. I meant well and I only responded because of what you requested "i'm hoping to have some advice for me on here from you all.."
I probably could have edited it but I am so tired , its 4:20 am.

I hope you find all the advice from others and myself helpful & supportive.


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