I was hungry. Saturday night. I was hungry so decided to ditch the 97% fat free crackers "baked with the goodnes of Australian wheat" and cook something that tastes more like real food and less like salty paper. Well at least I tried. My friend nausea decided for both of us that throwing up for a few hours would be oh so much better than bloody cooking. And seriously, who am I to argue with nausea. But I thought to myself, ok, at least I'll drink coffee. I love coffee and I want to drink it. Right here, right now. Yeah right. Silly me. My hands were so shaky that I dropped my favourite mug with Polish eagle on it and hot coffee in it. Well the eagle has landed. In Australia. On my kitchen floor. And while I was cleaning the floor my brother sitting in his office thousands of miles away decided to send me an email, wow, it was like Christmas and birthday at the same time, I can tell. But only for a little while. He sent me some photos. My family. Smiling at me. It hit me how much I've missed. And then suddenly all the shit of the past few months came back to me and crushed me. The amount of it. Its ruthlessness. Its severity. Its consequences. So I sat there, crushed. With my other friend, bleeding nose. And I couldn't move. Tears mixed with blood kept falling on my desk and from my desk on the floor that I just cleaned. I need a break from myself. I just need to leave myself alone. I need to stay away from myself. I'm driving myself crazy. Thin ice. And I'm skating on it. In my bad heat moulded pro carbon boots. Bad skating technique anyway. Wheels on ice. Pointless.
Any suggestions on how to take a break from myself? Can we do that? Save ourselves from ourselves? Can I be free from myself?