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Day 151: I'm OK. I'm Always OK.

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 10 May 2014 · 162 views

May 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 80 Days:
 
I think it's a day for cataloging, after this challenging and tumultuous week.
 
First of all, I am in need of a place where AngelFriend can touch my neck, shoulders and arm that I feel safe to experience and express my emotions. The space at our workplace is just not sufficiently comfortable for me, knowing co-workers are about. Someone could overhear. Or if I cried, they could see me afterward. I am not willing to let that happen. As such, my emotions will not surface.
 
It is pretty darn likely the pain I am experiencing in my wrist is caused by the constant tension in my neck and shoulders. I've taken all of the steps I can with the arrangement of my workspace to get rid of the pain. I wear the brace on my wrist whenever it bothers me (which is less than it was), and I have been sleeping with a pillow to support my arm. I don't know why, but that has helped reduce the pain at night.
 
But, as much as all of that sounds like good progress, I still can't quite use my left hand for much. I switched to using the mouse with my right hand, which is pretty challenging. I'd like to get back to full use of my left hand. I guess the lesson is I need to keep moving in this direction. I meant to ask my T yesterday for ideas about how to find a place for the touch encounters. Neither my house or nor her house is an option. I'm feeing stuck with regard to this issue.
 
On another front . . . I read to my T the first two segments of my letter to my mom. It was no big deal. I didn't feel any emotions, as usual. We talked at the end of the appointment about it. She suggested at my next T session for me to read the next segment of my mom letter without editing out the bad language. I did this, editing out the bad language, as I read the first two parts, out of respect for my T. I know she doesn't use such language. When I finished reading to her yesterday she asked me if I was editing myself for her benefit or if I just wasn't comfortable using those words. She said if it was for her benefit, not to do that. She won't be bothered by the foul language. She said I might be blunting my emotions by avoiding those words. I'm not sure that's the case. But, I'll find out next time I see her.
 
She also suggested I watch an interview Dr. Phil did with a girl who was held captive as a sex slave. I told her I wouldn't be able to handle it. Her response was, "Mmm, hmm." As if to say, I need to cause myself to become upset in order to prime the pump.
 
Interestingly, this conversation happened after AngelFriend and I talked about how it might be necessary to intentionally trigger me in order get my emotions to surface. It felt odd for my T to say something along those same lines to me not even 24 hours later.
 
Putting these ideas together, it might mean watching a program like this with AngelFriend and see if it will be the spark I need. I know I would not be able to watch something like that by myself. It would be triggering in a harmful way for me. I would need someone with me, to help me cope with my feelings.
 
I need to ask her about this and see if she'd be on board with such an idea.
 
It seems so weird to me to be planning to make myself cry. But, I'm at a loss as to what else to do. Not even reading my mom letter to my T sparked any emotion from me. And, when I talk about my mom, or any abuse topic, I rarely feel anything, except the nonsense my mom put in my head (I'm exaggerating, I just want attention, blah, blah, blah). Those messages are so loud nothing of me can get through them. The worst part about this is it makes me doubt myself, my memory, my experience. If it all really happened, I would feel the emotions; and I would be destroyed. If it all really happened, I would be a big mess; and I'm not. I need her to get the fuck out of my head!
 
Patience. I need patience. It took 47 years to reach this point. It took decades of abuse and neglect to make me this way. I have been shut down all this time. It is not going to turn on easily. It's just so hard to hold onto hope. There is a despairing voice in my head saying it's futile. I'll never get past this. I'm as healed as I will ever be and I should be thankful to be where I am.
 
I'm OK. I'm always OK. What's wrong with that?
 
AngelFriend helped me see today the problem with this thought. We spent some time together again today. She asked me how I am doing and I said I was OK. I added, "I'm always OK." My intent was to convey even if I'm dealing with something difficult, I'm still OK. Nothing really gets to me. (The very key to my survival.)
 
Well, she was having none of that. She rephrased her question (because she's an exceptional doctor and knows how to ask questions to get the right information). I can't remember now exactly what she asked me, but it was along the lines of how I was feeling, instead of how I was doing. I had already told her I woke in the night with abdominal pain and was up for a couple hours. So, she knew something was bothering me. I am not able to pass things off as other problems with her. She now knows me too well. Plus, for some reason, I can't bring myself to lie to her. I have given her my trust and I am not willing to harm that trust by covering things up.
 
She told me she is well aware I am good at being "OK." I can put on a smile and soldier on. But, that wasn't what she was asking me. She wasn't asking me if I was able to appear to be OK.
 
Eventually, our conversation led to me understanding that being OK, was not sufficient. I need to love and be loved in equal measure. I have rung a bell of sorts and cannot go back to how I was before. I cannot simply be OK any more. I now need to be complete, even though it probably means going through a lot of pain to get there.
 
This left me with the image of having cut open a wound. Now the injury must be repaired.
 
The last topic on my mind is several remaining items inspired by the Mother's Who Can't Love book:
  • Letter to my Step-father
  • Letter to my dad (real father)
  • Letter to Little Intrepid
I could also write letters to the baby sitter, my classmate, the neighbor girl, and the bum in the park. I'm not sure if I will.
 



:hug:
I have put my reply on day 150. I think it covers this blog too :). Interested about the idea of intentionally triggering yourself. My T had to express her anger so I could start to feel mine. Like you - the emotion is there when I write, and it goes again. And that's ok. I got upset and cried because DH cried. My T did not do that (I don't think - I didn't look at her - I was totally oblivious to her- although she looked totally dark eyed and knackered by the time I left- poor woman). I could cry for you. I've always been able to cry for others- just not for me. As you say, it's how we survived. And AF is right. You deserve to be more than ok. You deserve to be happy, joyous, free. :hug:
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intrepidshe
May 10 2014 11:51 PM

I have put my reply on day 150. I think it covers this blog too smile.png. Interested about the idea of intentionally triggering yourself. My T had to express her anger so I could start to feel mine. Like you - the emotion is there when I write, and it goes again. And that's ok. I got upset and cried because DH cried. My T did not do that (I don't think - I didn't look at her - I was totally oblivious to her- although she looked totally dark eyed and knackered by the time I left- poor woman). I could cry for you. I've always been able to cry for others- just not for me. As you say, it's how we survived. And AF is right. You deserve to be more than ok. You deserve to be happy, joyous, free. hug.gif

 

Mand, I hadn't thought about how it would be if someone cried for me, in front of me.

 

Thanks so much for allowing our healing journeys to shadow one another. I liked that comment you made on yesterday's entry. I have felt so much the same. We are struggling with such similar problems and have similar coping strategies.

 

Thanks for saying, "And AF is right. You deserve to be more than ok. You deserve to be happy, joyous, free."

 

I really need to hold tightly onto this truth. I was going to say "this idea." But, I don't think it's an idea. It's a truth.

I hadn't thought about how it would be if someone cried for me, in front of me.

 

I think I might feel loved . . .

 

hug.gif

Woah- Allegro- your comment reached in and squeezed my heart. You are right. :hug:

You deserve to be happy, joyous, free.

I like this thought, intrepid. So many of your feelings here I identify with.

 

"The worst part about this is it makes me doubt myself, my memory, my experience. If it all really happened, I would feel the emotions; and I would be destroyed. If it all really happened, I would be a big mess; and I'm not. I need her to get the fuck out of my head!"

 

like those.
 

 What they said. 

 

And, I think your T knows what she can handle. Swear all you want. Her self-restraint may not be due to a personal preference for herself, but out of respect for your process---not influencing the emotional climate with her emotions. The "Blank screen" is for you. Given our histories with cold mothers, we may interpret this as a kind of distance and unloving detachment, but it is just the reverse.

 

As for me, I prefer to cry in private. I would watch the Dr. Phil segment at home, knowing I can turn it off at anytime, and deal with my emotions.

 

I was reading online about a lack of oxygen and brain damage in infancy. The right hemisphere can be affected, which dominates emotional expression. I believe it applies to me, because it is difficult to feel-allow-express what I feel.

 

As for me, I sometimes use alcohol, high %, like bourbon or whiskey--and it doesn't take much, (but I know you quit drinking long ago) to by-pass my defense system. Then I can cry much more easily.

 

Maybe there is a medicine that can provide that function.

I really connect to a lot of this. Web you talke about intentionally triggering yourself in order to be able to release emotions, I just thought "this is me." I often have the urge to intentionally trigger myself, but I couldn't figure out why exactly. But now I understand: it's my way of subconsciously trying to allow myself to get my emotions out. Before I thought that maybe was some way I getting attention or something, but what you said totally expresses how I feel and why I need to do this (because I knew it wasn't me trying to harm myself.). I, too, am always trying to be strong, and often don't want people to know what's going on with me, and yet inside I so desperately want someone to walk through this with me. And part of me just still has the minimizing attitude instilled, so I somehow feel like I don't deserve to be upset? Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope you find the release you need and have the support that you need uri that process.
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Untangling-It-All
May 11 2014 08:52 AM

AngelFriend sounds wonderful! I am so glad you have her. 

 

I was wondering, what if you took a personal day off from work to have her touch your neck and shoulders and to allow for the emotions to come out. That way you would not have to be seen by co-workers afterwards. I'm still not sure about location though. Or, what if you did it on a Saturday in that space?  I am just thinking the sooner you can find a way to do this work, the sooner you'll have your physical issues cleared up.

 

I hope you can figure something out soon. metoyou.gif

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intrepidshe
May 11 2014 04:12 PM

 What they said. 

 

And, I think your T knows what she can handle. Swear all you want. Her self-restraint may not be due to a personal preference for herself, but out of respect for your process---not influencing the emotional climate with her emotions. The "Blank screen" is for you. Given our histories with cold mothers, we may interpret this as a kind of distance and unloving detachment, but it is just the reverse.

 

As for me, I prefer to cry in private. I would watch the Dr. Phil segment at home, knowing I can turn it off at anytime, and deal with my emotions.

 

I was reading online about a lack of oxygen and brain damage in infancy. The right hemisphere can be affected, which dominates emotional expression. I believe it applies to me, because it is difficult to feel-allow-express what I feel.

 

As for me, I sometimes use alcohol, high %, like bourbon or whiskey--and it doesn't take much, (but I know you quit drinking long ago) to by-pass my defense system. Then I can cry much more easily.

 

Maybe there is a medicine that can provide that function.

 

Jiva, this is an interesting suggestion. And, I am able to drink small amounts now without being drawn into addictive behavior. A little bit might disinhibit me. Hmm.

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intrepidshe
May 11 2014 04:17 PM

I really connect to a lot of this. Web you talke about intentionally triggering yourself in order to be able to release emotions, I just thought "this is me." I often have the urge to intentionally trigger myself, but I couldn't figure out why exactly. But now I understand: it's my way of subconsciously trying to allow myself to get my emotions out. Before I thought that maybe was some way I getting attention or something, but what you said totally expresses how I feel and why I need to do this (because I knew it wasn't me trying to harm myself.). I, too, am always trying to be strong, and often don't want people to know what's going on with me, and yet inside I so desperately want someone to walk through this with me. And part of me just still has the minimizing attitude instilled, so I somehow feel like I don't deserve to be upset? Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope you find the release you need and have the support that you need uri that process.

 

M, it is reassuring to me to hear this . . . although I'm so sorry you find yourself with this same struggle. I have found people here in Pandy's who walk with me and have been incredibly supportive. That has helped more than I can ever say. And, now I have AF in my life too. I also realized I have another friend in my offline life who is a support to me. I just hadn't quite felt it before now. I am thinking about the various people throughout my life who have shown me love. I am seeing it has been there, quietly. I couldn't allow it inside of me because it was too painful. I'm starting to be able to.

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intrepidshe
May 11 2014 04:18 PM

AngelFriend sounds wonderful! I am so glad you have her. 

 

I was wondering, what if you took a personal day off from work to have her touch your neck and shoulders and to allow for the emotions to come out. That way you would not have to be seen by co-workers afterwards. I'm still not sure about location though. Or, what if you did it on a Saturday in that space?  I am just thinking the sooner you can find a way to do this work, the sooner you'll have your physical issues cleared up.

 

I hope you can figure something out soon. metoyou.gif

 

Untangling, that's a very helpful idea! I will run it by her. I don't want to ask too much of her. But, I made a promise I would not decide her boundaries for her. Thanks for the idea!

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intrepidshe
May 11 2014 04:19 PM

 

I hadn't thought about how it would be if someone cried for me, in front of me.

 

I think I might feel loved . . .

 

hug.gif

 

 

Yes, that's it. That's what I would feel too. It hurts to think of it. Some day it won't.

I spent forever and a day with T without being able to access much at all. Then one day I went in and she intentionally triggered me. I hated her. For about a second. Now I thank her. But for me to do or watch something outside of T that would be triggering, intentionally........ I couldn't do it. But if I was not alone maybe I could......who knows. I am so happy you have Angel Friend. I hope if you decide to do this she is there with you.

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intrepidshe
May 11 2014 06:16 PM

I spent forever and a day with T without being able to access much at all. Then one day I went in and she intentionally triggered me. I hated her. For about a second. Now I thank her. But for me to do or watch something outside of T that would be triggering, intentionally........ I couldn't do it. But if I was not alone maybe I could......who knows. I am so happy you have Angel Friend. I hope if you decide to do this she is there with you.

 

Lolli, thank you for saying this. I so struggle to be patient. It is encouraging to hear others who have made it through this process.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

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View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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