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Can't Sleep Over Silly Self Loathing

Posted by FloweringRose , 15 January 2013 · 111 views

I literally can't sleep because I feel bad for the way I was flirting with a guy in November. Not because it was bad or anything (I mean I have been single since September, even if E has been bothering me a lot), but because I feel like everyone thought I was a ditz or a sl*t or an id*ot or all these bad things that don't even make sense, words I wouldn't ever use about anyone else anyways!

I mean. Come on brain. Leave me alone. Ugh. NO ONE ELSE is probably even remembering it at all. And it's keeping me awake -___-

Literally, we were drunk at a dinner table and he started playing with my hair and I giggled and said it felt nice and no one's played with my hair in so long so it felt even nicer.
Not really catastrophe is it? Certainly not how my head is perceiving it!
No one is out there in the world right now saying "Geez, she really did sound stupid that night, and I can't believe she was flirting with that guy, that makes her so disgusting."

I literally don't know how to function with dating or flirting or crushes or anything anymore. I feel guilty and dirty and ashamed around it all. I mean even being attracted to someone feels really foreign and strange to me. I don't even know what to do with it or myself.
I was being dead serious about the playing with my hair bit too. I mean, my exes played with my hair but they always pushed it to well, other things. So no one has just touched me in such a cutesy playful way for no reason in so long, and I've really been needing affectionate, safe and nice touch.
Kind of sad really, considering.

I really really like this guy too. It's so weird. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it when I see him next month but I definitely hope we hold hands and stuff again.
I just wish I wasn't so hard on myself for things that don't even matter. ESPECIALLY when it robs me of sleep.

Only publishing this in the hopes that maybe now that I know it's out there and maybe someone read it I don't have to feel so bad or ashamed and I can just sleep.

Just wanted you to know I read this. And I don't think you did anything bad and I don't think you're dirty. I understand the guilt and shame, even when we do things that aren't wrong.

I hope you got some sleep. and that this works out for you. (((((FR)))))
Jan 16 2013 04:53 PM
Thank you Greensnail ((((GS)))) It's so appreciated, and yeah just trying to get rid of the guilt and shame in general. Hope I can.

November 2014


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