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depressing, depressive...not even sure...TW...

Posted by missophelia , 08 October 2013 · 208 views

Trigger warning for talk of suicide and self injury. Please take gentle care of you if you read.

Things have been pretty dark for me lately, emotionally. My thoughts have been suicidal for a great deal of the time. At the moment, I am at a lull in those thoughts. I am seeing a small break in the dark dark clouds that have covered me for a long time.

I did too much today. No more than I usually do. No more than I've usually done for most of my life. But since I contracted lyme disease, I find that I have some very bad days, physically. Which only add to my depression.

I'm not going into details, but I came close to doing something today.

I'm a little scared right now.

I have to discuss how I felt today with Dr K when I see her tomorrow. Because today isn't the only day I've felt this way recently. I have really been struggling with my depression for quite a while.

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to end up in the hospital. There is a small part of me that thinks maybe that's where I need to be right now. I think my biggest problem with that is that I can't afford to be in the hospital. At least, not financially.

If I don't work, I don't get paid. And with a new car payment on top of my other bills, I have to work. Which only adds to my stress. Which only adds to my depression.

And on top of all of this, my depression, and my lyme disease symptoms, I see my obgyn tomorrow. I have been having some pretty painful female problems, and had a pelvic ultrasound a couple of weeks ago. And instead of telling me on the phone that everything was fine, I have to go in to discuss the results.

So there's the stress of worrying what the results of that test are.

I honestly don't know how I got to this point in my life. I faced this hurdle before, when I was young. Being suicidal, wanting to die, it's a horrible thing. It's gut wrenching.

What I mean is, what is horrible, and hard, and gut wrenching, is just trying to convince myself that I can hang on, that it can get better. Every single fiber inside of me is screaming that it will never get better. Every single fiber inside of me is screaming to just give up, give in, and end it all.

I even tried to convince myself today that if I just SI it would help, and I would feel better, and that I wouldn't feel suicidal.

But I have no urges to SI.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore.

Oct 08 2013 08:23 PM
:hug: :hug:
im with you on all of this. I dream too, of being someplace where for once in my life, someone will take care of me.
Take gentle care of yourself.
Oct 09 2013 05:56 PM
thank you, Untangling and Zelda

:hug: :hug:
Oct 12 2013 02:25 PM
I'm sorry I didn't have more than hugs for you for this post before now. I just wanted to come back to it and let you know I hear you and my heart goes out to you. I am sorry your struggle is so big right now. You've got too much going on, it's so stressful. Is there any way you can try to do something to help feel just a tiny bit better? I know it's all so overwhelming. I am just trying to find a tiny spot of light for you, something, anything, to help. I am thinking of you are you are not alone. :hug:
Oct 12 2013 03:27 PM

It's ok. Thank you for coming back. For hearing me. It helps to know I have been heard.

I don't know. I am trying to work on some ideas. Like changing up my diet a bit because of the lyme disease. Good thing is my ultrasound results were ok. My doc just wanted to talk with me about some of my symptoms. Which was nice of her to do in person instead of over the phone.

It really is overwhelming. I wish my struggle wasn't so big right now. It might make it easier for me to make some progress, which I don't feel I've been doing at all.


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    Blog Warning

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