3rd sister to Alienate me. (very long post)
I went to my sisters house today to pick up flowers from her flowerbeds she was thinning out and giving away.
It was a nice afternoon. Sat and talked and gossiped with her for about 2 hours. Talking kids, family, home etc.
I gently brought up into conversation that I now see a psychologist regularly for being Bi-Polar. I wanted to get a feeling of how open minded she was going to be because I was considering telling her about my "experience" I like to call it eventually.
She was very receptive of my disorder and THANKED ME for going - As though I went for HER????? Anyway, I let it go and continued the conversation trying to forget my thoughts about her being selfish, hoping I took it the wrong way.
She asked me who else knew. I told My other sister that I hung up on - (Of course I used her name in the conversation though). and further explained that the conversation didn't go very well. She asked How? I told her that she would not allow me to finish a sentence and refused to see things from my point of view. I further explained my valid argument that by not taking away that they have also lost their parents, It was way different burying my father at age 17, vs. their age of 37, or burying my mother at the age of 27 vs. their age of 47.
THEN IT TURNED UGLY.....
She said I'm turnign this all around to be the primary focus. "Poor Sheanna, She doesn't have a mommy & daddy anymore. You're just trying to get the attention and I'm not falling for it"
I explained that I have some other very specific issues I'm working on, and I'm just not ready to disclose them yet. (Referring to the abuse)
"Well, how am I supposed to see things from your point of view if you don't tell me?"
I'm just Not ready to talk about it yet. I said.
She asked "And why not?"
I replied "Because I'm not sure who I can trust right now."
THEN IT GOT REALLY UGLY......
She began ranting about how dare I say such a thing and hurt her like that. I stood up, thanked her for the nice afternoon and the beverages and walked away without the flowers she dug up for me. (Damn, they were gorgeous too. I would've loved to have them in my yard.)
"so this is you hanging up on me?" she said while following me to my car. The argument continued.
I asked her..."Why am I the only one at fault here? Why am I ever the only one ever apologizing? I don't even want an apology, I just want you people to understand and acknowledge that I have been hurt in this too."
She replied...."Because You're the one that tore this family apart."
I continued...Did you ever consider that seeing this from my view would help the situation? I mean it was how others treated me and my family that started all of this, and heaven forbid I stand up for my children.
She replied..."Grow up Seanna, We did this otu of love. We're your sisters. How can we help you if you won't tell us?"
I responded. "I just can't yet. It's something only Moomy & my Dr. know about. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.
She stated - "Mommy would never approve of you keeping a secret from your sisters.
I responded very matter of factly (remember I remained extremely calm through this entire thing so I know it only heated her up more.)
" Mommy is the one that advised me to NEVER EVER tell my sisters."
She stepped back shocked and continued..."You need a new Psychologist"
I replied. "Why? Because he's not brainwashing me to think and be as closed minded as all of you?"
She continued.."You fabricate things in your head. You're Poor baby Seanna that wants all of the attention. What DIDN"T Happen to Baby Seanna?"
I replied..."This is why I can't confide in you. I'm Very glad I listened to my mothers wisdom.
She leaned over into my car window and then started yelling at me. "Have you even been to church to check your heart and free yourself?" (she & the family are extremely religious - Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not my thing)
I replied "If you would listen to me, I would trust you to tell you my story and the reason I pulled away from the church".
She then said to me.....
"Oh, Did poor baby Seanna get Raped and Molested by a Priest?" OH YES SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO ME!!!!!
I replied in disgust.."Uh, No, nothing like that at all."
She continued..."It wouldn't surprise me. You live in this fantasy land where everything happens to Seanna."
I calmly said "Bye, I wish this day could've ended better than it did".
I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway.
She screamed at me while I pulled out...
"GROW UP BABY SEANNA"
Couple points I need to make and I'll end this huge long long long post.
- I was right all along not to trust any of them.
- Of all of the bad decisions I've made in my life, I made one right one. I listenend to my mother. I even resented her for keeping it a secret because it m ade me feel like it was my fault....but now I see she definately knew what she was doing.
- I want to continue delving into my experience to finally deal with it and face it head-on.
- I DO need to continue keeping this a secret that eats me alive.
- I need to face that my own family is not worth the stress, anxiety, anger and betrayal they have imposed on me.
Sad to say....
I was right all along...and so was my mother.
Sorry so long. If you made it through the whole thing....Thank you. Just needed to get this out there to someone that understands me better than my own siblings.
Source: 3rd sister to Alienate me. (very long post)