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My brother-in-law raped me at a concert when we were both on LSD. He was 27 and I was 15. I had no idea what was happening and the next day I was so confused. He told me I could never tell anyone because they would never understand our love. I thought the world of him. I was so different from the rest of my family and felt like he really understood me. It turns out he was just grooming me the whole time. He made me believe that he was the only person who could understand me and that everyone else was foolish.
I would spend weeks in his home in the guest bedroom and at night when my sister went to bed he would get drunk and have sex with me. I still remember feeling paralyzed. But still, I would let him. I would, at times, welcome him. I still struggle with this and wondered for years if I could define this as rape. I remember telling someone once about it without the details, just that it went on for 3 years and she asked me, "can you really call that rape?" I was devastated. All that time of keeping my mouth shut, going through and abortion with his baby, losing my intimacy with my family and later every relationship I would attempt to have and she asked me if it was really rape? Damn right it was! I didn't ask to be violated, alienated and carry guilt for the rest of my life. I didn't ask to be groomed into trust at a pure age of 15 when most young women are going through their first love. I didn't ask for my first sexual encounter to be colored in shame. He is sick. Not me. I am healing. I am learning to forgive myself everyday for feeling like it was my fault or that I was the one who had to lie.
Source: Returning "willingly" to your abuser
I would spend weeks in his home in the guest bedroom and at night when my sister went to bed he would get drunk and have sex with me. I still remember feeling paralyzed. But still, I would let him. I would, at times, welcome him. I still struggle with this and wondered for years if I could define this as rape. I remember telling someone once about it without the details, just that it went on for 3 years and she asked me, "can you really call that rape?" I was devastated. All that time of keeping my mouth shut, going through and abortion with his baby, losing my intimacy with my family and later every relationship I would attempt to have and she asked me if it was really rape? Damn right it was! I didn't ask to be violated, alienated and carry guilt for the rest of my life. I didn't ask to be groomed into trust at a pure age of 15 when most young women are going through their first love. I didn't ask for my first sexual encounter to be colored in shame. He is sick. Not me. I am healing. I am learning to forgive myself everyday for feeling like it was my fault or that I was the one who had to lie.
Source: Returning "willingly" to your abuser
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Grooming is an awful truth of many abusive situations, and traumatic bonding is actually some of the strongest bonds, sometimes having more control over someone than other love or familial ties. Some books discussing that are "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft and a co-writer. That second author has another book called "Why Does He Do That?" which is a really good (although triggering) look into the mind of abuser's. I know those books helped me come to grips with my feelings towards my abuser and how I stayed in a very abusive relationship, so they might help you? You're certainly not alone, and there's very real reasons survivors stay/go back.
Also it's really something to be proud of you are here talking about your story, and working on healing and forgiving yourself. That is wonderful and I hope you can hold on to for yourself