Trigger warning: I need help today. I literally spent all morning talking to three of my abusers (not all at once, but one after the other). I was on an adrenaline rush, saying things that have been bottled up for awhile. There's still so much to say. One of my abusers, my first boyfriend, is older than me. He was like my brother. He was abused as a child so he understood me. He's been in my life since I was in grammar school. He's 11 years older than me. He was my first everything. He used to be abusive to me sometimes. I've just recently started to understand that he groomed me to be with him and that a lot that happened during our relationship impacted me for the worse. It's all very complicated. As much as I'm angry with him, I miss him. I'm tired of being afraid of my hometown, of the past, of all the people who hurt me, of the feelings that I now have for men and women, of myself. I'm tired of thinking of him as my abuser. He's apologized to me and he's tried to be there for me as I've been an adult and be a better person. He's opening up a non-profit to help men who have been abused and have perpetuated the cycle (as he is one of them) and he's also getting backing to do a similar program for women (he wouldn't lead it though by no means). I've always wanted to be apart of something like this and help women especially in my hometown and old neighborhood where rape and sexual assault are pretty much a right of passage. I'm just not sure if I should put myself back in that environment, surrounded by him and all the other people who hurt me, on a regular basis. I don't live at home anymore and I'm going home for the holidays. I'm wondering if I should stay... I just think it's unfair that I've had to give up everything I've known, all my family, all my friends, because I was afraid of being home and being hurt again. But if I can trust him, if he really is sorry, if he really didn't mean to hurt me, maybe I can go home. He knows what I'm going through, no matter how much of it is his fault. No one else gets it like he does. No one else knows me like he does. Maybe I can get some familiarity and stability again. Maybe I can go back to work and start to feel like myself again. I don't know. A lot happened to me at home (besides what happened between he and I). There's a lot of history. I have some serious questions to ask him, but I guess I'm wondering if anyone understands? What would you do? Could you forgive and work with someone who took away your childhood?